[eDebate] DCA Debater #9- Eric Suni
Thu May 11 11:47:39 CDT 2006
Eric received 26 total votes.
"It's Not Every Day You Hear You're Responsible for a Billion Deaths" ? The
Eric Suni Story
as told by Jeff Buntin, with help from Matt Schissler and Kathryn Bergh
"The first Terminator was programmed to strike at me in the year 1984,
before John was born. It failed." ? The Early Years
Most DCAs begin with something totally contrived, but this story is
absolutely true. When Eric Suni was a little kid, more than anything in the
world he wanted to be a garbage man when he grew up. He wanted to be a
garbage man so bad that his mom helped him prepare for his future career ?
she'd crumple up pieces of paper, and strew them throughout the house, so
little Eric could careen around the house in a little car, wearing a little
hard-hat, and picking them up into a little bucket in his little car. I'm
totally not kidding ? this is on both film and videotape. We're working on a
way to get it up on google video?stay tuned for updates.
Eric's affinity for trash served him well in his high school debate career
at Shawnee Mission East, where instead of picking up crumpled pieces of
garbage-paper, he collected them into "files" like the "population is a WMD"
malthus aff, or the one negative argument he and Ardinger (not your dinger)
went for that year: disaster porn. Although Suni went for lots of arguments
that most debate minds would not label, say, "good," he did have one thing
going for him: perpetual ownage of Brad Hall's soul. Suni beat Brad all the
time in high school, a fact that Mrs. Suni took note of (she likes to be
involved in her son's life, whether it be editing his papers [to this day],
or following his debate career). Of course, many things would change as Suni
adapted himself to the Whitman life?
"My CPU is a neural net processor; a learning computer" ? The College Years
When Eric arrived on the Whitman campus for our fall prep session before the
treaties topic, his first assignment was, literally, "write a critique". A
week later, he turned in a Chaloupka file that to this day not a single one
of us has ever read a card out of? Slowly, but surely, Whitman broke Suni of
his bad K habits. Other arguments he wrote that year included the compassion
fatigue K (oh, wow, what a shocker), the argument that human rights treaties
are bad because they don't get enforced (that was his Kansas debate training
shining through ? including the 2NC block labeled "AT: A Table With Three
Legs Can Still Stand ? Stools Prove"), a South Dakota midterms link-turn for
the CTBT aff (ok, now we're getting somewhere), and a disad about crazyass
robots that would seize control of the military and immediately decide that
humans are superfluous if the U.S. signed the ICC (aka the Skynet DA). By
the end of his freshman year, Eric had cut his last K (almost). He'd also
beaten Brad Hall for what would be the last time ever?
Suni's mom teases him about losing to Brad Hall all the time in college. The
doubles of Northwestern his sophomore year, the octos of USC this year, etc
etc ? Suni hasn't beaten Hall once since frosh year. Guess he should've
stuck to d-porn and overpop?
Yet, despite never really beating Brad again, Suni still flirts with the K
on occasion. Most of the Ks he's written since frosh year have been cut from
novels that he's read for class, though. His Camus class sophomore year
yielded many a K, including our 1NC that's just a few selections from The
Fall, and that absurdity argument he and Beth used to read, and that Meiches
and I could never figure out if it actually responded to anything. Even
though most of these args were kinda bad, he still did utterly random and
awesome K stuff sometimes, including beating Dartmouth BM's biopolitics aff
on Agamben this year (we're all still scratching our head about that one),
and the fact that he could've beaten ISU DY's new Christ aff on Marxism at
the NDT if Whitman SS had been carrying a SINGLE cap bad impact (although
they did end up winning on the "PRC is a bad word" PIC?another stellar arg).
"It can't form complex machines, guns and explosives have chemicals, moving
parts, it doesn't work that way, but it can form solid metal shapes" ?
Things Suni is ACTUALLY Good At
Eating ? in a certain sense this one is self-evident?but Suni is also
amazingly good at subsisting on a diet that consists of about four things,
total ? chicken, potatoes, ketchup, and diet coke. Our frosh year, he
decided he was worried about his health for a week or so, so he cut back his
daily diet coke intake to around 164 ounces, once the 40 or so 24-packs his
mom had left him with were gone (around mid-September). When we're at
tournaments, Suni will pass up awesome Indian restaurants for Burger King or
Domino's?and when the team goes out to Walla Walla's Mexican restaurant,
Suni orders "a bun, burger, bacon, cheese and ketchup" (from their kids
menu, of course). He's the only person I've ever seen Hanson back down to in
an eating challenge. And that's saying something.
Before the NDT, he got so excited about the Fogo de Chao in Chicago that
he'd keep a window of their website open, cut a card or two, switch back to
the Fogo website, and drool over their pictures of meat for a few minutes,
before dutifully returning to cut another card or two, and repeat. When we
went to Fogo after the NDT, Suni performed like the champ he is, probably
single-handedly consuming a herd of cattle and several pigs and chickens. He
even taped a Fogo de Chao brochure to one of his tub lids for motivation.
Now that's dedication.
All of this rigorous eating has led Suni to develop a "body-mass" theory for
determining seats in vans. Ideally, you should match up van seats according
to varied body masses. This is to prevent shit like what Hanson pulls when
he gets our airline tickets so that I'm stuck in a middle seat, with Suni on
my left and Meiches on my right (i.e., the WORST. FLIGHT. EVER.) People say
Whitman has a ton of teams, but only because of Suni is Whitman SS a ton of
Rap music ? unless your name is Klinger (is that clip of you rapping still
online somewhere?), Suni is a better rapper than you. Growing up on the mean
streets of Prairie Village, Kansas made Suni an aficionado for all things
gangsta, particularly Biggie (fittingly, his friends in high school reworked
'Hypnotize' to go "big-e, big-e, big-e?"). Don't ever challenge Suni to a
c-walk-off?and certainly don't ever get yourself into a battle rap contest
against him, which I had the misfortune of doing our freshman year. Yeah,
that's right, Suni and I literally battle-rapped?in front of an audience?on
tape?a video which will hopefully never see the light of day. Trust me.
Suni's so gangsta that he does speed drills to rap music ? but he doesn't
pull any weak-ass 'just rap along' stunts. Oh no. He puts 'Renegade' by
Jay-Z and Eminem on 1.5 speed and THEN tries to rap-along. Walking into the
squadroom to see Suni rapping along to a chipmunk-voiced Eminem is really
quite the sight.
Boozin' ? Anyone who was at the ADI last summer knows that Suni will beat
you at beer pong. When Suni's not cutting cards, he's in the basement of his
frat's house honing his beer pong skills. And when he's not playing pong,
he's either both outbowling and outdrinking (often both at once) everyone in
the Whitman IM bowling league, and owning all of us in the 'special' league
we set up where you multiply the number of pins you knock down by the number
of beers you drink to get your final score. Being a rational economic actor,
of course, Suni refuses keg-stands because he thinks they're way more
inefficient than shotgunning beers or using a keg cup. All this gettin'
fratty has made Suni a very popular guy on campus. In fact, Schissler
reports that the hottest girl he knows on campus will only talk to him
because he knows Suni. It's good to see that Whitman's first-round caliber
debaters have gone from living in the closet next to the squad room to
actually seeing the light of day outside the debate building once in a
"No, no, no, no. You gotta listen to the way people talk. You don't say
'affirmative,' or some shit like that. You say no problemo" ? Things Suni
Isn't Quite So Good At
Reading the 1AC ? Suni probably could've squeezed another card into his
already-gargantuan 1ACs if he hadn't had to take several seconds each time
to giggle like a schoolgirl when he got to say "Choate in 05." Similarly,
their anti-dumping 1AC contained the phrase "we don't know how not to dump"
(also descriptive of Suni ? see below), and their semiconductors aff had a
"Woodcock in 05" card (??), which never failed to trip him up. Now imagine
how bad this shit got when Jonah judged them ? ol' Face laughed out loud
when Suni cracked up over 'Choate,' setting off a downward spiral of
Again, eating ? I guess the Eric Suni eating experience can be summed up as
"this too shall pass?in probably the grossest manner possible." I swear, for
every animal that dies so Suni can eat a meal, another two die lodged in his
ass. The man seriously clears rooms. Maybe the best example of his bathroom
terrorism was CEDA Nationals our sophomore year, when Suni, Schueler,
Meiches and I were staying in one hotel room, Schissler, Richendr?something,
and Thad were next door, and the two rooms were joined by an interior door.
When Suni needed to drop the a-bomb one time and our bathroom was occupied,
he decided to covertly sneak next door and shit in the other room. This
ignited a WAR, with multiple casualties from each room (Schissler can hold
his own). One thing I've learned is this: you do NOT give Eric Suni cause to
shit in your bathroom, because you literally WILL throw up in your mouth (as
Carver found out) if you go anywhere near that.
Getting RIDICULOUSLY Angry and/or Freaked Out At TOTALLY Irrational Shit ?
despite having approximately six trillion times the bodymass of a spider,
upon seeing on in the squadroom Suni immediately squeals, runs out into the
hall and waits until someone kills it. And according to him, the only thing
scarier than snakes on a plane is bees in his car. He's also got some
irrational anger, too. Despite being by far the most chill person on our
team, he'll go on sudden tirades against kids that play on airport baggage
claims ("they should be on LEASHES!!"), the size of ketchup packets (he
wants to start a class-action lawsuit), and IM bowling teams with 'ringers'
("hey! Why don't you just name your team "FOUR PHIs [rival frat] AND A
RINGER!?"). All I'm sayin' is, don't ever insult the Chiefs around him.
"I know now why you cry. But it's something I can never do" ? What We
ACTUALLY Think About Suni
Eric is hands-down one of the nicest, most laid-back, friendliest, yet
hardest-working people in the activity. Having him on the team for four
years has made all of us better, and it's made the team and the larger
community better places to be. I'm glad I'm graduating, because I cannot
imagine how I could exist on the Whitman team without Suni around. His
success this year proved that he could be even better than we always thought
he would be ? tons of wins against the top 5, consistent late elim showings
and speaker awards, Whitman's first bid since Chuckie and the Pirate, and he
capped it all off with his last speech as a debater, one of the best 1ARs
I've ever heard. We're all proud as hell of you Eric, and we're glad that
you got the DCA recognition you deserve.
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