[eDebate] TOPIC CHICKEN: THE ONLY TRUE WAY TO SAVE POLICY DEBATE
Sun Jul 22 18:18:39 CDT 2007
I have sat back and watched the fur fly in this discussion rather than
engaging with anything meaningful or with videos of Rick Astley's "Never
Gonna Give You Up."
Today, I announce my own revolution in debate topics that is guaranteed to
drive a wedge so hard between CEDA and the NDT that Tuna will be standing
upon the mountain tops of Vermont hollering across the abyss:
YOU-SHALL-NOT-PASS! My revolution is far more implementable than all other
solutions for one reason: It involves even more pop culture references and
broken metaphors than all the others combined - while still maintaining a
complete lack of implementation towards solvency! Woo!
Some of you may be familiar with the outstanding television show "Robot
Chicken," created by Seth Green (Scott Evil from the Austin Powers movies
for the totally ill informed). The premise of Robot Chicken is such: On a
dark and stormy night, a mad scientist cuts a chicken in half, merges him
with cyborg parts and creates a "Robot Chicken." The chicken is then forced
against its will to watch hundreds of television shows featuring the most
sick and twisted plot turns than their real TV show counterparts. The show
the audience sees is a cavalcade of short clips that represent the fleeting
images the chicken sees while trying to escape from the viewing experience.
In essence, the show operates entirely through parody and satire of popular
culture and politics. In one episode, we get to see what it would be like
if "HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS: THE MOVIE" became a reality and the chomping
marble eating heads we all grew to love as children became an elite
vigilante force. In another, we experience what its like when the world's
supervillains carpool to work through California traffic. In another, the
tooth fairy visits a child's house in the midst of a domestic dispute and
brutally murders the abusive husband. In my favorite sketch, Emperor
Palpatine receives a phone call from Darth Vader two weeks after the
desruction of the first Death Star and Palpatine berates Vader for whining
about his ex-wife and suggesting that they "just rebuild" the Death Star.
(This culminates in one of the greatest lines ever said to Darth Vader: "Do
you got an ATM on that torso, LITE BRITE?!"
This is what we need more of. Satire and parody for no good purpose. This
I propose my new coalitional approach to making fun of you all: Topic
Chicken. From now on, all resolutions should be made fun of, as should all
debaters, all edebate e-mails and all RFDs. When affirming the res you
should affirm how bad it is. When negating the topic you should negate the
idea that the plan is bad. Alternately, you should get up and deliver a
speech that is so absurdly disconnected from both the topic and the forum
that the only conclusion is that you wish to affirm the rez through
laughter. I'm envisioning a world under this year's topic where you
constructively engage countries by building your favorite world leaders out
of construction paper and then act out an engagement party. During the CX,
all questions should be taken from cinematic wonders like "Kindergarten
Cop." Imagine what it will be like the first time the neg says "WHO IS YOUR
DADDY AND WHAT DOES HE DO" after the 1ac?! It would rock! During the
negative block, Negative teams should erect a giant wall of superglued legos
around the affs tubs and then fight them in a tag team street brawl for
possession of the ev. In the 2AR, you set the whole thing off by beating a
pinata full of fireworks with a tiki torch and telling the judge what he or
she needs to realize is that their name is Joe and the Pinata is a volcano.
Ballots are awarded to the biggest spectacle in the room.
Now sure you're saying "dude, there's no way this could work. there's so
many resources involved and let's face it - in the awesome regional land of
ceda debate known as the northeast fireworks aren't even legal in most
states. on the other hand, the ndt governance are clearly more carved in
stone than the old bastards at mt. rushmore!" Both of these statements are
true, but only if you don't satirize them. When leadership says no, make
fun of them, make everyone else laugh at them, and then do what you want.
And of course, the final net benefit is that debate (though it is a mockery
of anything it's been thus far) will be FAR FAR FAR MORE INTERESTING TO
NOVICES AND CREATE NEW SUSTAINABILITY! Why? BECAUSE WE'RE A COALITION OF
THE WILLING WHO ARE UNWILLING TO DO WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO! I mean, if you
need more explanation than how that appeals to the average
anti-establishment rebellious teenager, you clearly are too old to keep
Sure, it's totally ridiciulous and that's ok. You all can still have your
coalitions and the Topic Chickenistas will make fun of you. I mean, I don't
know how many different parodies of "BATTLE TOPICS" I've come up with, but
there's a lot. (Pokemon Battle Topics, Battleship Topics, Rattle Topics
(for novices only), Rattle Topics (AKA Snakes in a Tub), Battle for Endor
Topics, Battletoad Topics, Kaiju Big Battle Topics, BattleSpar
In the end, no matter how mad you get we can still engage in coalitional
politics - because the more assinine your metaphors become the more we can
affirm the laughter they bring forth.
VIVA LA POULTRY
-was never dangerous
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