Brent Saindon basaindon
Sun Jul 22 18:56:23 CDT 2007


"I've seen this show before. Change the channel already."

James Maritato <james.maritato at gmail.com> wrote: Well All, 

I have sat back and watched the fur fly in this discussion rather than engaging with anything meaningful or with videos of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up."

Today, I announce my own revolution in debate topics that is guaranteed to drive a wedge so hard between CEDA and the NDT that Tuna will be standing upon the mountain tops of Vermont hollering across the abyss: YOU-SHALL-NOT-PASS!  My revolution is far more implementable than all other solutions for one reason:  It involves even more pop culture references and broken metaphors than all the others combined - while still maintaining a complete lack of implementation towards solvency!  Woo!  

Some of you may be familiar with the outstanding television show "Robot Chicken," created by Seth Green (Scott Evil from the Austin Powers movies for the totally ill informed).  The premise of Robot Chicken is such:  On a dark and stormy night, a mad scientist cuts a chicken in half, merges him with cyborg parts and creates a "Robot Chicken."  The chicken is then forced against its will to watch hundreds of television shows featuring the most sick and twisted plot turns than their real TV show counterparts.  The show the audience sees is a cavalcade of short clips that represent the fleeting images the chicken sees while trying to escape from the viewing experience. 

In essence, the show operates entirely through parody and satire of popular culture and politics.  In one episode, we get to see what it would be like if "HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS: THE MOVIE" became a reality and the chomping marble eating heads we all grew to love as children became an elite vigilante force.  In another, we experience what its like when the world's supervillains carpool to work through California traffic.  In another, the tooth fairy visits a child's house in the midst of a domestic dispute and brutally murders the abusive husband.  In my favorite sketch, Emperor Palpatine receives a phone call from Darth Vader two weeks after the desruction of the first Death Star and Palpatine berates Vader for whining about his ex-wife and suggesting that they "just rebuild" the Death Star.  (This culminates in one of the greatest lines ever said to Darth Vader: "Do you got an ATM on that torso, LITE BRITE?!" 

This is what we need more of.  Satire and parody for no good purpose.  This I propose my new coalitional approach to making fun of you all:  Topic Chicken.  From now on, all resolutions should be made fun of, as should all debaters, all edebate e-mails and all RFDs.  When affirming the res you should affirm how bad it is.  When negating the topic you should negate the idea that the plan is bad.  Alternately, you should get up and deliver a speech that is so absurdly disconnected from both the topic and the forum that the only conclusion is that you wish to affirm the rez through laughter.  I'm envisioning a world under this year's topic where you constructively engage countries by building your favorite world leaders out of construction paper and then act out an engagement party. During the CX, all questions should be taken from cinematic wonders like "Kindergarten Cop."  Imagine what it will be like the first time the neg says "WHO IS YOUR DADDY AND WHAT DOES HE DO" after
 the 1ac?! It would rock! During the negative block, Negative teams should erect a giant wall of superglued legos around the affs tubs and then fight them in a tag team street brawl for possession of the ev.  In the 2AR, you set the whole thing off by beating a pinata full of fireworks with a tiki torch and telling the judge what he or she needs to realize is that their name is Joe and the Pinata is a volcano.  Ballots are awarded to the biggest spectacle in the room.  

Now sure you're saying "dude, there's no way this could work.  there's so many resources involved and let's face it - in the awesome regional land of ceda debate known as the northeast fireworks aren't even legal in most states.  on the other hand, the ndt governance are clearly more carved in stone than the old bastards at mt. rushmore!"  Both of these statements are true, but only if you don't satirize them.  When leadership says no, make fun of them, make everyone else laugh at them, and then do what you want. 

And of course, the final net benefit is that debate (though it is a mockery of anything it's been thus far) will be FAR FAR FAR MORE INTERESTING TO NOVICES AND CREATE NEW SUSTAINABILITY!  Why?  BECAUSE WE'RE A COALITION OF THE WILLING WHO ARE UNWILLING TO DO WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO!  I mean, if you need more explanation than how that appeals to the average anti-establishment rebellious teenager, you clearly are too old to keep coaching debate.  

Sure, it's totally ridiciulous and that's ok.  You all can still have your coalitions and the Topic Chickenistas will make fun of you.  I mean, I don't know how many different parodies of "BATTLE TOPICS" I've come up with, but there's a lot.  (Pokemon Battle Topics, Battleship Topics, Rattle Topics (for novices only), Rattle Topics (AKA Snakes in a Tub), Battle for Endor Topics, Battletoad Topics, Kaiju Big Battle Topics, BattleSpar Galactica....) 

In the end, no matter how mad you get we can still engage in coalitional politics - because the more assinine your metaphors become the more we can affirm the laughter they bring forth.

-was never dangerous _______________________________________________
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