[eDebate] DCA Debater #6 Malcolm Eugene Gordon

Vega, Matthew J. vegam
Fri May 11 16:52:39 CDT 2007


DCA Debater #6 Malgor the Warrior

76 points

 What kind of douche-bag names himself ?Malgor the Warrior? and then continues to refer to himself by that name after the first grade?  Shit.  I have already offended douche-bags in the community
sorry Stone.

 Let me start over


Malgor was born in a swamp in Louisiana.  He was 12lbs 8oz.  When I say swamp, I mean that you used a fan boat to get to his ?house,? and when I say ?you used? I mean nobody probably used a fanboat to get to his house except his parents.  The real story about how he got the now-lame moniker was that when he was 3 his parents used to enter him in contests wrestling 3-year-old alligators in the swamps of Louisiana
they were of course toothless
his parents, I mean.  I wish that we had some video
but I think the fact that his parents lived in a swamp and wrestled their child against alligators sort of explains why there was no video.  He was actually known as Malgor the Magnificent until one of the gators got a hold of one of his testicles (part of many male?s anatomy
not an attempt to offend).  It was the first time that he was scathed by the young gators
but he fought through it and was renamed Malgor the Warrior.  Now you know.  More on that testicle thing later.

 

At some point Malcolm got on a really big fan boat and left the Cajun roots of Louisiana and headed for the big city
Ozark, MO.  A lot of people say that they are from the Ozarks, but few can say that they are from the capital of the Ozarks.  A city so boogen, so hillbilly that it is simply called the name of the region
I mean, why learn two names?  I will say that it is impressive that they use the backwards s in their name, because I don?t think that they ever actually got to that letter when they were learning the alphabet in fifth grade.  

 

Ozark was just close enough to Springfield, MO that I was unfortunate enough to interact with people from that ?city? when I was attending Southwest Missouri State, now called MSU or Michigan State, I think.  I had the pleasure of judging Malcolm at the state-qualifying tournament.  He was atrocious.  I voted for him.  Several of you that have made the mistake of preffing me to judge you in the past four years might see a pattern.  Suffice it to say, he knew nothing about debate, argument, speech, but he somehow seemed smarter than everyone else debating.  Well, maybe not smarter, but funnier looking.  In fact, this is one of the only reasons that I really remember judging him.  After the round his coach asked me what I thought, I think because she wanted me to recruit him to SMS.  I said, ?you mean that Drew Carey looking idiot?  I guess he was ok.?  Fritch apparently didn?t think so, which is why it is good that he is now struggling to read from a sheet of parings instead of heading the Missouri State Juggernaut.  He really did look just like Drew Carey, which is pretty much why I voted for him.  Keep in mind that this was Drew Carey before that piece of shit ?Who?s line is it anyway?? show that ruined a promising career for a self-depreciating unattractive fat man
but it was just the beginning of the career for another.  But it also set him apart from all the other really shitty debaters that I probably got the privilege to judge while in college but I forgot because they don?t look as ridiculous
like all the idiots on Cross-x that think that they are really fucking awesome debaters that now suck so much at life that they spend all their time on cross-x making shit up about their debate expertise.  I am not talking about you this time Louie, but I mean, come on.

 

His coach later asked me to come help prepare them for NFL nationals.  I said, ?you mean that Drew Carey looking idiot made it to nationals??  This probably does not say anything about Missouri debate except that it is a crapshoot.  So, I put on my coveralls (they don?t take kindly to city folk down there, I was warned), and headed down to the single room school house known as Ozark High School.  To make a long story short, I said ?conditionality is
? and he said ?I think we are just going to keep doing things how we do it.?  I think that he only one two rounds at NFL, but at least he did not lose to Mikey Kearney like Martin Osborn did.

 

Fast forward a couple of years
actually, the only story that I really know from high school is the one that Malcolm tells everyone because he had such a lame high school experience and because he likes the shock value that makes him seem exotic, or something.  For those who don?t know, Malcolm is not really funny, but you eventually laugh after he beats you over the head with the same joke for several hours.  Anyway, this particular story is really the story of the all-american kid.  It involved a liter of sprite and a liter of vodka
most of which was gone at the time.  He was driving around on the roads of Ozark, which means the dirt roads of Ozark, which I would have pointed out, except all the roads there are dirt, so they are just roads.  Malcolm did not get the driver?s door of the car closed, because he was both an idiot and drunk, and so, when he turned the corner he fell out of his car going 30 mph.  Kids, don?t be like Malcolm.

 

Anyway, back to the fast forward.  I move to Washington, forget about Malcolm for two years, then I move back.  Linda Collier calls me to tell me that they need an assistant coach, so I come in to talk.  I talk about how I could cut cards and stuff that I thought would be great skills for like the fourth coach on the staff to do.  She tells me that they have this up and coming debater that she is really excited about.  Right in the middle of a drink of some iced frappacrap from Starbucks, where we were meeting so that I did not have to see the squad room, she says, and I think her exact words were, ?I think that Malcolm Gordon is the next big thing for UMKC debate!?  After I cleaned up what I spit up on myself, I took the job, because I knew that the senility had finally set in. 

 

After a couple of months, I realized that I was not the fourth coach, I was the only coach.  Coffman was in law school and Linda hadn?t cut a file since the 80s.  She had the time to make sure that the Pitch Weekly (a sweet city paper in Kansas City that had a several year obsession with Marcus Leach and others of KC Central fame) listed the UMKC Debate Team as the ?most likely team in Kansas City to win a National Championship? led by their ?exciting new coaching staff of Justin Skarb, Kamal Ghali, and Josh Coffman.?  Those people beat me like a drum
except Coffman
I beat him last.  I guess my only point here is that I came in two weeks before Georgia State and partners had already been decided, so I did not get a chance to sub someone in for Malcolm, like maybe my dog.  We had 8 new debaters and several returning debaters, and we went for the Anarchy counterplan 3 of the four negative rounds
hell of a job Bryce. 

 

This year mostly consisted of Malcolm and Bryce running around in coordinating jogging suits.  Bryce had a huge head
literally, not in the ego sense (but also in the ego sense), and Malcolm tried to catch up by growing some ridiculous fro where I think that he kept food stored for later.  This year Malcolm also beat the Jordans on A-Spec...one more time just for you, Todd.  Somehow Malcolm and Bryce managed to not only make it to the NDT, but clear at the NDT.  This is actually when I knew that Linda was right.  It was not because he cleared, but because when I asked ?if we win the flip, who wants the ball??  Without hesitation, Malcolm said he wanted to be aff (he was the 2A only back in the day).  Keep in mind that this was long, long ago before you had to be fucking crazy to pick aff (KU BJ in semis of CEDA
fucking crazy).  Then he proceeded to lose on a 5-0, but whatever.

 

The next year is one that we largely don?t speak of.  Malcolm cut his hair like the piece of shit sellouts in Metallica, which Malcolm will defend to this day
but they suck post hair cut.  The only thing that I will note is that Malcolm and that about which we do not speak were far better on the negative than the affirmative.  He again cleared to the elims, and then some crazy-ass team won the flip and chose to go aff, when they could have gone negative against maybe the worst affirmative being run on the topic that was massively untopical, had no impact and certainly didn?t solve anything.  We won on a 3-2, in a decision that ?UMKC will be talking about for a long time.? Then we promptly lost on a 7-0 that would have been a 59-0, unless John Turner were on the panel, because that dude always voted for Malcolm.  It was a decision that ?UMKC will not be talking about for a while.?  This is also the year that Malcolm discovered that cheating (running kritiks) was a great way to win

 

I will use the space allotted for that year to discuss Malcolm?s taste in fashion and music.  Fashion:  Malcolm?s fancy clothes are button up Spiderman and superman shirts.  True story:  I walked into Malcolm?s house that is right by the squad room and found Malcolm in only his Spiderman shirt and Blake Johnson in only Malcolm?s Superman shirt and they were playing Superfriends.  Since his recent expansion in size, we have been able to get him to wear a shirt that Big Mike gave him when we need him to dress up, but that thing is still pretty much a moo-moo (is that PC, I don?t know
anyway, it is a fucking nightgown on a fat man.)  When he does not need to dress up he wears an assortment of WWF wrestling shirts
I think the one with Stone Cold and a Bible verse is his favorite.  By the way, that story about Blake and Malcolm is not true...I did not walk in on them, but I am sure that it has happened. 

 

Due to the fact that there are no radio stations where Malcolm grew up that play music recorded after 1990? he really loves him some 80s rock.  His favorite band is Rush.  He has spent several conversations with Ermo about trading Rush videos and bootlegs.  I have no problem with Rush, but if you are going to pick a band that had most of their best action before you were born, I think that you could have done better.  

 

Note to anyone interested in showing Malcolm a good time, Tuesday, 7/3/07 Def Leppard with Styx and Foreigner play at Sandstone in KC.   Spend a couple hours before hand playing Gears of War and you will probably get yourself an obsessed stalker.

 

Then came Malcolm?s senior year.  Coming off of an appearance in the octafinals of the NDT, Malcolm promptly won the first three tournaments that he attended, putting him as a front-runner for the Copeland.  Actually, he was not anywhere near the Copeland, because the first three tournaments that he went to were Emporia, Central Oklahoma and North Texas.  All fine tournaments, but you see the problem.  What Malcolm had decided to do was see if he could let all the rep that he garnered from beating Harvard the year before completely wash off to the point that people emailed me after the Texas Swing and said something along the lines of ?you have a team that is really tearing up in Texas
tell me about them.?  ?Well, half of them were in the octafinals of the NDT!? But, whatever.  This is really just a segue to the story about meeting Malcolm?s kin folk.  We had decided that the best thing to do after the Texas Swing was not to return home where things like class, family, running water were, but instead, we should go hang out for a week with Malcolm?s kin in the swamps of Louisiana.  This was truly a special experience.  We finally found the house after the GPS kept telling me to ?make a u-turn? or ?head north to civilization.?  There was some serious Deliverance shit going on down there
packs of roving wild dogs, huge ?do not enter? signs, and a naked dude squealing like a pig.  We rolled down the window to ask directions and the local said about Malcolm, "He's got a real purty mouth, ain't he?"  That turned out to be one of his cousins.

 

We finally found the house which had now been upgraded to a working telephone which we could use for dial-up, but since it took 15 minutes to get to the opening screen, I did not feel like we were going to get much work done.  Then I remembered, we don?t need to do any work because our aff was about why topicality is bad.  It had only a couple cards, and they were already certainly the most up-to-date cards that you could find on Lexis about why topicality was bad.  What a great fucking argument.  For those not fortunate enough to hear the aff, it started off with a shitty synopsis of a shitty movie called ?A History of Violence.? And then it got worse.  Malcolm wrote it in two hours, and it won like 30 rounds, proving that Malcolm debated a bunch of shitty teams.  This freed us up to eat the 9 meals a day that Malcolm?s aunt cooked for us.  Meals mostly consisted of bacon and side-dishes with bacon in them.  Culp, a vegetarian, was seen as a rescue case for Malcolm?s aunt.  She constantly shoved food at him worried that he was going to whither away.  The best part was that she would cook his vegetarian food in bacon grease.  This was all much to Culp?s chagrin because he was able to enjoy the taste of what had caused a 150lb high school senior to gain 40lbs in college while still maintaining his ?activist? street cred, which was essential to most of his cross-examination strategies with that stupid aff.  His cross-ex usually started with, ?well, I don?t know if you know this, but I AM AN ACTIVIST!?  It was great
the week in Louisiana was truly tremendous
food, sleeping in, VHS movies from 1991, constant fear of being killed by the Cajun/hillbilly mix.

 

Shit.  I almost forgot the round for which Malcolm is second most famous for.  Maybe most famous for.  I don?t know.  It was when the bus really fell off of the wheels.  The high-high round at UT-D would likely have Malcolm and Culp vs. Cormack and some other guy.  So we decided that we would run the same argument on either side, which we were already doing anyway, but I had no idea that it could reach this level.  Sure enough, parings in the morning had us negative versus CJ with Kelly Winfrey in the back of the room with her KU sweatshirt on that she shamelessly wears while she hacks away for the school that she could not get into (I don?t have any reason to believe that she could not get into KU, but I think that it sounds better that way
she does vote for them pretty much every round except this one).  KU said something, and Malcolm and Andy danced.  I was worried that we made fools out of ourselves, but then Jennings got up and made us look reasonable.  Lots of people know of the round, but not many know that we won the round
just remember that when you are trying to decide if Jennings is really a Copeland-quality debater.

 
Atchison on Malcolm being aff: ?I would rather drink turpentine and piss on a fire than listen to that shit again.?   

Then there was CEDA.  I told you that we would be getting back to that testicle.  Some might remember that Malcolm and Andy were 4-0 set to debate
Ozzie and Kearney, no doubt on our way to 5-0, when we got the news.  Malcolm could not even walk across the parking lot from the Westin because one of his testicles finally got jealous of his stomach, because it got all the attention by continually expanding in size, so the testicle tried to assert itself.  Let?s just say the testicle won the battle but lost the war.  Malcolm is like a panda: it is more interested in sleeping and eating bamboo (and playing Madden) than it is in propogating the species.  Of course Pandas are cute, so they are a little different.
 

He recovered in time for the NDT, where he managed to be the eighth seed and draw the runner-up to the Copeland, for the second year in a row, but this time he lost
at least so says 4 Berkeley HACKS (four District 3 judges that routinely voted for Malcolm).

 

Thus ends the illustrious career of Malcolm Gordon.  Gators, hope, failure


 

Oh, wait, then they passed the ?Malcolm Gordon Rule? and allowed Malcolm to have ONE MORE YEAR!

 

Not only that, but they elected the guy who ran topicality bad on the aff to the topic committee.     So, maybe the election process has not been a well-oiled machine for more than one year.  But that did not matter anyway, because the topics are obviously already decided well before the topic meetings.  Malcolm was just there to make Joe Patrice shoot milk out of his nose. 

 
We assembled a crack team of slightly above average debaters (except Stan) to help make the inevitable losing more fun.  His second senior year was really just a slew of teams that Malcolm had previously owned doing much better than him, except for Ozzie, he still owned him...apparently Aaron Lyttle had no instructions for Ozzie here.  Malcolm never really made it past octas.  He would complain that he kept getting good teams, but it was really like he made teams seem good by playing like a fancy welcome mat to Quarters.   In fact, the only thing that allowed Malcolm to finally get a first round is Jackie?s unending desire to bring a points championship to Norman.  Malcolm and Amy debated OU 4 times in D3 and won all four times.  I don?t mean to slight the two judges that voted against us in the finals of UNT, but because we actually got Slusher to vote for us in an elimination round, we consider that to be a win.  The rest of the season was much like the first with Malcolm and Amy puttering out early and then Amy going to bed and Malcolm screaming obscenities and doing impressions of Scotty Nguyen and Humberto Brenes
?me shark iz getting hooongreeee!?  As was Malcolm.  (I read this later and thought, maybe people will think that I am saying that Malcolm?s hunger for winning was increasing, or that I at least was attempting to use a double entendre, but I was not.  Malcolm has an insatiable appetite for food.  On debate trips he demanded that we drive even to places far away like Wake Forest because he knew that would mean that the squad would pay for his meals for two days.  Then, once in the car he would demand to stop every two hours at a Cracker Barrel so that he could eat the Big Country Breakfast which was two of everything on the menu.)

 

Malcolm came into CEDA with two normal sized testicles (and a third just slightly smaller than normal) and ready to take it down.  Then we lost to Whitman RS for the 36th time.  Malcolm asked what we could do better, Pointer said, ?go negative.?  Touch?.  But all was not lost.  Malcolm was awarded the ?people?s? Top Speaker award.  This means that Malcolm was not the ?best speaker? or ?best debater? at the tournament, but that he was in rounds with people like Jon Wright who pleaded for a 30 to validate his time in debate which forced the hand of the judge to give Malcolm a 30.  (Actually, it did not force the hand of the judge because the judges could just NOT FUCKING GIVE THE POINTS THAT DEBATERS ASK FOR (Louie, Kelly,  et al).  That is why they call you judges, after all.  You don?t do what they say, you JUDGE what they say, and then pontificate for a while about why you are better than them.).  Anyway, he won top speaker
which was quickly forgotten at Louie?s across the street from OU at around noon on the final elim day.

 

?REWIND!? screams Malgor from a table in the back.  This for some reason meant that the waitress was supposed to bring another round of car bombs.  The total of which was 38 between four people, Malcolm, Todd, Culp and Louie (yeah, Ermo, I lied, it was Louie, but I assumed that you figured it out when you heard stories about the Wichita State room.)  There were two indelible moments, and several non-indelible moments.  One less-than-indelible was when Louie got two free beers because he went up and started talking to an Indian in the bar about how he was his ?first priority.?  But back to Malcolm.  I hear him chanting, ?U S A, U S A!?  and I turn to see him talking to Colby from the US Military Academy.  This is probably 6 car bombs and 3 whiskey on the rocks into the early afternoon.  He spends the next 45 minutes explaining to Colby and the whole USMA team that is at the bar why he loves the army but hates the war.  I think that he is being genuine about this, but it turns out that he was really trying to convince Colby to talk to his partner Casey and let her know that he was an available bachelor.  More on this later.  The second moment was when Malcolm screamed at the waitress that she was ?a racist, an anti-semite, and she hates colored people.?  We were promptly asked to leave
we assume to protect their racist waitress.  After two hours and a $400 tab, Malcolm heads back to the Oklahoma Legends.  Colby was so entertained by the conversation that he had with Malcolm that he has Casey call from the airport.  This wakes Malcolm up out of his passed out state, and he says the very romantic, ?WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?  CAN?T YOU LET ME SLEEP!?  Which goes back to that whole ?Malcolm is like a panda? thing.

 

We rolled into the NDT hoping to not be that first round team that does not clear
and we made it to finals
woop-de-do.  You did it all without ever having to learn the difference between an agent counterplan and a plan inclusive counterplan
aren?t kritiks wonderful.

 

Think I focused on his debate life too much, well, I am his coach, not his friend...he is mostly intolerable.  I do know that through it all, he also played video games.  He is also the only person I know with a personal cabbie. Chris.  That is Chris the Cabbie.  I am pretty sure that he does not have internet, so I will just go ahead and say that Chris the Cabbie is generally an idiot that makes lots of comments that Josh Hoe would definitely say were inappropriate.  After Malcolm told me one of the stories about Chris the Cabbie, I asked Malcolm why he puts up with him and Malcolm told me that he is his cab driver, not his friend
but since he does not pay full price for cab rides anymore, I think that he needs to reevaluate that special relationship.  I also think that he is a Chiefs fan, but he does not seem to know much about sports...I mean, he likes the NBA more than he likes baseball...idiot.  So outside of debate there was video games, sleep, alcohol, and a place called Temptations


 

Now, the serious stuff ostensibly for a possible future employer of Malcolm Eugene Gordon: 

 

Dear Manager of the Piggly Wiggly in Ozark.  Malcolm knows the name of several types of food.  He will not throw things at most customers.  You do not have to pay him much because he will be living with his parents.

 

Am I required to put in the stuff about Malcolm being a great guy and a good friend?  I will leave that to Blake after a quick note about their friendship:

 

It figures that Malcolm beat Blake out in the DCA rankings.  He pretty much beat him in everything except speaker awards at the NDT.  I think that Malcolm was 92-0 against Blake?s 2AR.  This is central to their relationship.  Malcolm wants a friend that other people think is good, but Malcolm owns.  I am pretty confident this is why Malcolm is such good friends with Blake.  Further proof, take another top five first round and great debater.  Malcolm was well on his way to being the best of buds with Kathryn Clark, but Malcolm is 0-239 versus Kathryn Clark
seriously, he never won even a ballot, so he had to look elsewhere
and there was little Blake
helpless to defend himself against topicality thinking that the following is a legit counterinterpretation ?if it is extratopical, sever it.? 

 

Begin: 10 One Liners About Malcolm Gordon  by blake johnson

 

Malcolm Gordon is the biggest thing to hit debate since neg fiat.

 

Malcolm Gordon looks like one cabbage patch kid ate three others. 

 

If looks could kill, Malcolm Gordon would be penicillin. 

 

Malcolm Gordon walked into a wall with a hard-on
.he broke his nose.

 

Malcolm Gordon?s blood pressure is measured on the Richter scale.

 

UMKC saved money this year by traveling Amy in a fold of skin on Malcolm?s torso.

 

Malcolm Gordon is in shape, specifically round.

 

Malcolm Gordon bleeds cookie dough.

 

Malcolm Gordon?s garbage disposal eats better than the entire third world.

 

If Malcolm Gordon were a part of the human anatomy, he?d be fat.

 

End: 10 One Liners About Malcolm Gordon by blake johnson

 

I love you Malcolm (this is still blake) and I still haven?t told anyone that your conspicuous absence after day one of CEDA last year was due to your ball exploding.

 

People like you are the reason that this activity is great.  Your an amazing friend, a honorable competitor, and the sexiest fat man since Biggie Smalls.  As though you didn't know so already, you've been my debate role model for 3 years (this is still blake).  I cant tell you how excited and proud your success makes me.  You're, for all your bullshit, one of the most genuine people I know.  I won't continue, because if DCAs bios were only about chronicling debate achievements and saying honest and cordial things about the recipients then no one would ever read them.

 

 




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