[eDebate] DCA Debater #10 - ANDREW JENNINGS

NEIL BERCH berchnorto
Fri May 4 14:14:45 CDT 2007

Good to see that last year's lessons were learned so well.
--Neil Berch
West Virginia University
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Bricker, Brett Jacob<mailto:bbricker at ku.edu> 
  To: edebate at ndtceda.com<mailto:edebate at ndtceda.com> 
  Sent: Friday, May 04, 2007 3:11 PM
  Subject: [eDebate] DCA Debater #10 - ANDREW JENNINGS

  "DCA Debater #10 - ANDREW JENNINGS.  Andrew received 24 total points

  This is the (more or less) true story of Andrew J. Jennings. Really it is more than a story--it is a tale, a legend if you will.  Jennings' tale is a cautionary one and is not for the thin skinned or weak hearted.  This biography is based on a true story of a boy who became.well a boy.    In many ways this is the story of Peter Pan (if you can imagine Peter Pan in a wife beater, drunk, pooping, and saying some of the most offensive things known to man) or should I say the Bizarro Peter Pan.  In this story Peter doesn't fly or vanquish Captain Hook (read: Oklahoma CJ) instead Peter spends all his time in Neverland drinking and searching for the next object of Jon's to deposit his ass butter on or in.  So enjoy the tale as told by the Lost Boys and Girls of the KU squad.* From here on out whenever you read the name Jennings you should replace it with Peter Pan.it will make everything all the more ridiculous.  Trust me.  Lastly, no animals were harmed in the making of this bio. **
  Chapter 1: The beginning: a recount of the early years by Nibs
  Jennings grew up in Western Kansas, where, he had to walk 8 miles to the nearest store. Many people don't know about the major differences between eastern Kansas and western Kansas (because the whole state is so backward) but western Kansas barely qualifies as livable. It's too underdeveloped for even the Quakers to inhabit. The people are so savage that they make Conor and Blake's people look almost civilized. 
  The savages of western Kansas did teach Jennings one thing, and that was that nothing is more important than family.  I guess that's why for almost a year he tried to fuck his sister. Sure, she's technically his step-sister, and she's really hot, but we still had to explain to him that intercourse with a family member is not socially acceptable, unless your sister's name is Andy Casey.  Nonetheless she is H-O-T (ask Bryce D., he definitely got shot down by her for a full semester).  In fact, Jennings has three sisters who are all really fucking hot; I wish you could see them. In the words of Ben Warner, "I would cut off my left nut and four of my toes for one chance to pop it in her pooper."  It's like his sisters didn't come from the same parents as that savage.
  Jennings never lets anyone see what's on his computer.  We think it's because he has a ton of granny-porn.  He also has 4 gigs of videos of his sisters.  Bricker stole these, and jerks off to them all the time.  Speaking of weird porn collections, everyone should ask Jon Wright about his file of pictures titled "nudy pb debate pics".
  Jennings still has a few things he takes from his time in western Kansas: the way he holds a fork, a horrible fear of Chucky dolls and his complete inability to act like a human in almost every situation. The fork thing is easy to understand. He holds it in a balled up fist like it's a sword. This is probably because of how he was raised. People in western Kansas don't have easy access to food and need to be constantly ready to stab their dinner.  I suspect that Jennings once tried to eat before his food was all the way dead and it ran away, forcing him to go to bed hungry. He'll only make that mistake once. 
  The Chucky doll thing is a bit more difficult to explain. He is terrified of them. In fact, I recommend Bard add Chucky dolls to their argumentative*** arsenal---it is likely to secure them a few big wins next year. We suspect his fear comes from the time a hobo dressed as a clown stumbled through his village and made friendly with little Jennings (by "made friendly"--we mean molested-that's right, Jennings was molested by a clown.  Explains a lot doesn't it?).
  Chapter 2: Trapped in the Kensington Gardens or The high school years, ibid (and for those of you who don't know what ibid means I refer you to: http://www.ndtceda.com/pipermail/edebate/2003-February/046668.html<http://www.ndtceda.com/pipermail/edebate/2003-February/046668.html>)
  Jennings sucked at debate. He was top in his high school class by virtue of his ability to read and write, but he was still absolutely incontinent (I was trying to write incompetent but Word mis-corrected my misspelling-I decided to keep incontinent because it seemed accurate enough). He once told Mick, "Most people don't know this, but I might be retarded."  In reality, everybody knows this. <For visual evidence see http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2651/1455/1600/11-18-05_1604.jpg<http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2651/1455/1600/11-18-05_1604.jpg>> Every member of the KU debate team and coaching staff even Joel Kasten (who is absolutely terrible at debate and life now that I think about it) qualified for NFL Nationals. Everyone that is, except for Andrew Jennings, who took a severe beating at the hands of Samantha Foley (of Baylor Fame) in his qualifying round. Joel actually qualified twice, infinitely more times than Jennings. Again, Jennings never went to NFL and really sucked at debate. Every single one of our debaters that is not Jennings qualified for nationals; even Quigley, who is a total bitch. 
  Jennings also tried wrestling, which he sucked at. He was once getting his ass whipped by some dude and decided to "check his oil" mid match. When I say "check his oil" I mean Jennings got two knuckles deep in this dudes ass. Two knuckles.
  Chapter 3: Tinkerbell details Jennings' academic prowess
  Once described as the "smartest dumb person we know," it should come as no surprise that Jennings is sometimes lacking in terms of academic excellence. While it is true that Jennings does attend class (sometimes), he does not always attend class sober.  In fact, during one drunken class session, Jennings was responsible for presenting a project that he and members of his group had completed. In order to successfully complete the presentation, Jennings needed to connect his laptop to the projector to show some slides to the class. After getting set up, Jennings began his presentation.  Almost immediately Jennings noticed some snickering, which soon turned into laughing and pointing. The professor then screeched, "OH MY! INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL!"  Alarmed by her response, Jennings turned around to see "I LOVE PENIS!" displayed prominently in the center of the screen, as the title of one of his word documents.and there it was for the whole class to see.
  Even when he is sober, however, he does not necessarily strive for total academic success.  In fact, just the other day, Jennings was in a race with the clock to finish an online econ exam before the 12PM deadline.  With less than 30 minutes to complete the test, he sat down on the couch with Sara Stephens looking over his shoulder. The two endeavored to successfully complete the exam together. After reading each question, Sara would ask, "What does that mean?" Jennings would respond, "I don't fuckin' know" and then promptly close his eyes to choose one of the multiple choice answers.  They were done with the exam in 4 minutes. No word yet on his score.
  Chapter 4: Slightly explains Jennings love of the scatological
  Jennings loves pooping.  He loves it so much that there's an entire section of this DCA bio committed to stories about Jennings pooping.
  Places Jennings has actually pooped:
  -The floor of Nate's dining room
  -The windshield of Jon's car
  -The upper deck of Jon's toilet
  -Jon's chest
  -The chest of his girlfriends, then they reciprocated.
  -In a bag, which was then surreptitiously given to Jon
  Places Jennings has actually peed:
  -In pop bottles in his car, while driving
  -Shumaker's closet
  -Jon's patio
  -Ronnie's shower
  -The parking lot at the Westin in Dallas

  The man has no soul. If you don't believe me here's a video of Jennings pooping while obviously intoxicated: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctsCiuSy76s<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctsCiuSy76s>, ****

  If you're not willing to click the link, here are some of the more choice lines:
  "Oh yeah, it burns.  It burns so much."
  "Hopefully I didn't just get my jimmy on camera."
  "God damn, Maker, I'm gonna need you to lick my butthole later tonight."
  It might not be so bad if this were a one time occurence but it isn't.  Jennings loves to be "caught on tape" when he poops, more evidence @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0LdpsDSxgk<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0LdpsDSxgk> 
  Please note that the embarrassment in this video stems from being caught with his shirt off, not from being taped taking a dump. Needless to say, all of this is not as embarrassing as when Phil got caught whacking off on all fours to National Geographic.
  Jennings' fascination with pooping runs so deep that he has invested in a colon cleanser.  You know, one of those pills you take for a few weeks that's supposed to make you poop out all the hardened poop that's stored inside your colon.  When asked why anyone would want to use such a product, Jennings replied, "Dude, I was watching the infomercial, and this lady said that the hard poops feel as hard as rubber hoses, and you sometimes have to pull them out of your butt with your hands.  Isn't that fucked up?  ...I gotta buy some." I guess in the world of Andrew Jennings, it doesn't get much better than a rubber hose up your ass.  Take note, Sara.
  Chapter 5: Curly and Tootles  reminisce on Jennings love of the ladies
  Jennings' parents: I'm sorry.  I understand that you are reading this, but you should seriously stop, seriously.  If you still are reading, you should know that not everything in this bio is true, a lot of the stories and examples are blown out of proportion.  Like: if I mention that "Jennings has the hiv", it probably just means he has multiple other non-life threatening STD's.  And, he doesn't really have ED, he's usually just too drunk to get it up.
  Jennings tactics for attracting women have been described as "savagely guerilla" in nature. While only mildly effective, these tactics, combined with his recent debate success, have skyrocketed his poon level to astronomical heights. But for Jennings, success didn't always come so easy.  There was once a time when he had to work for the poonani. Jennings will readily admit that in order to get a girl to touch his penis for the first time he used the pick up line, "I've got a secret if you come to my room" Jennings didn't really have a secret, but she did have 12 fingers.
  Speaking of the number 12, Jennings once hooked up with a 16-year-old girl. Upon hearing this story, Quigley insisted that he had hooked up with the very same girl, only he was in high school at the time. This was obviously a lie, since Quigley doesn't have a penis, and his parents are polyamorous. He's a little touchy about the subject because until the DNA tests come we won't know the true identity of his father, but that's a story for another time (that is, if they make a separate bio for 4-year NDT scouts).  Another time, Jennings also dated a retarded girl? (not Sara Stephens - this was a different one)
  To make matters worse Jennings is an alcoholic (for proof see yet another YouTube moment in the life of A.J.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sG6L2rzD7dY<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sG6L2rzD7dY>) Not a social drinker, I mean a full blown alcoholic, he drinks heavily everyday.  He was so drunk at the NDT that he didn't remember meeting Sara Stephens. His new girlfriend, Sara, seems to be working out pretty well, and we're all happy to welcome her to the Kansas family (if Nate didn't do that already).   But Jennings drinking to the point of amnesia is not unusual; Jennings usually doesn't remember anything after 8 o'clock.  He even drinks on family holidays, like Christmas.  This year on Christmas he talked to Jessica Yeats at 3 in the afternoon, after a long morning of drinking.  This conversation ensued:
  Jesukamarie: hey Jennings, how's your Christmas
  Studaj13: I'm dronk, wil yu go out with me?
  Jesukamarie: Jennings, I have a boyfriend, and if I didn't, I wouldn't date you
  Studaj13: will you come be a grad stdent at KU?  You can love with me and brinker.
  Jesukamarie: No.  Jennings you are making me feel uncomfortable.
  Studaj13: But I love you.  Like I serious love you.  Not like I love my mom, or brinker.  I am in love with you.
  Jesukamarie: Alright Jennings, have a good Christmas.

  Jennings always makes the best decisions when he's drunk.  Sara Stephens?  Yea I know she's sucking out his soul.  She always does this, why do you think Casey is such a douchebag?   We're just kidding Sara, Casey's always been a douchebag.  With Jennings' fast paced lifestyle, women come and go.  However, his one true love always remains the same:  titties.  Manboobs, chicks, it doesn't matter.  He just loves them. Jennings loves gigantor tits so much, he once said, "I mean, if Repko had a fat set of tits, I'd totally fuck'em.  BALLIN!" Now, this isn't to say Jennings won't grab an ass or two. He actually loves asses; he's just a little more particular about which asses he will grab.
  One time Jennings was so fucked up that he thought it would be a good idea to fight Bricker, needless to say, Bricker "Debbie Lai'ed" his ass, and Jennings was down for the count.  You get it?  Like when Debbie punched Julie Hoehn?  Only Bricker actually connected the punch. 
  Last year at the ADI, at the Dream Palace (a live nude dancing establishment), Monique and Jasmine rode Jennings around for 25 minutes: Jennings shelled out 852 dollars.  Sorry Papa Jennings, that "emergency money" he asked for didn't pay his tuition.  By "rode" I mean, they stripped him down to his boxers, tied him up with a leather leash, made him get down on all fours, and whipped him until he barked like a dog.  At least he got a free T-Shirt. This story isn't even all that funny.  We just love to tell it-it makes Jennings blush.  
  On top of all this shame, we actually went out and solicited comments about Jennings from his past.uhh girlfriends?  Here is what one young woman (who wished to remain anonymous) had to say:
  Bricker312: Did you have any nicknames for Jeninngs?
  TigerLily: Yeah, I liked to call him the minnow.  He called me the pond.
  Bricker312: The minnow?
  TigerLily: Yeah, like the slimy little green things that hang out in dirty ponds.  It's a play on his penis and my vagina.
  Bricker312: Gotcha.

  One not so anonymous D3 (Natalie Pennington) young woman also had some contributions:
  Bricker312: Hey natpen, we're trying to come up with some nicknames for Jennings, did you have any?
  Promisingpenny:  Well, one time we were about to have sex and he was too drunk to get it up.  So we laid there awhile and it was pretty awkward.  Then, he stood up on the bed with the covers wrapped around his shoulders like a cape, and screamed "I'M BATMAN".  I almost shit myself.
  Bricker312:  Holy shit, are you fucking serious?  Please tell me you're making that up.
  Promisingpenny:  No, I'm not.  The weird thing is, after he got into the role, he finally got it up, and it was the best sex of my life.  So I usually call him batman.
  Chapter 6: Captain Hook, the Jolly Roger, and the ticking crocodile
  Every good story needs a villan(s) and our story is no different.  For every Peter Pan there is always a Captain Hook and for Jennings that Captain Hook was OU CJ.   In their last 11 debates, ranging back to second semester last year, Jennings was 2-9 against them.  While that is truly a staggering record of defeat it was not like they were breaking new arguments against him either he keep losing on Nietzsche and the Environmental Management K.  One would think that if you kept losing to those two positions that you rectify this situation, but then again we are talking about Jennings here.  
  Luckily for Jennings the Crocodile ate Captain Hook and the Jolly Roger.  But the ticking crocodile has another important function in the story of Peter Pan it represents the inescapable.time. Time is chasing after all of us. It got OU CJ and soon it will get Peter and Lost Boys.  So live it up Jennings we all hope next year will be your best.  For those of you who don't know Andrew he is possibly the nicest and most humble debater you will ever meet.  And like Peter he lives his life as the happy go lucky wanderer who never seems like he is going to grow up.  This is a good thing.  Andrew is one guy that no matter the situation he always has a smile on his face, and the best thing about it is its infectious.  But behind that smile is kid who works his ass off.  To give you an example I called him the other day and had this conversation: 
  Me: Jennings what up?
  Jennings: I'm drunk baby
  Me: It 3 in the afternoon
  Jennings: I know I'm also cutting cards
  Me: cutting cards on what?
  Jennings: the Middle East Ballin!
  This was the week before they announced the topic area.  To conclude Jennings is truly a cool cat and we all love him.  When the ticking crocodile finally catches up with you.You will be missed. Congratulations on a great year and being recognized as one of the best debaters in the country because we already knew you were. 
  The Appendix
  *At the outset would like to sincerely apologize for offending anyone. Many members of the KU debate team and coaching staff contributed to this but all final edits were made by Brett Bricker so please direct all complaints and criticism to him at charrigan at gmail.com<mailto:charrigan at gmail.com>.  We are sure that some people will read this bio and believe that the Lost Boys must be vanquished.  Just keep in mind it is all in jest.  We really love Jennings and everyone mentioned in the bio-well we really do love everyone mentioned in the bio-Jennings is another story.  

  ** Or people for that matter.  Everyone that we mention we explicitly got their permission, this includes, Nat Pen, Tiara, Sara Stephens, and the entire KU debate squad.  We promise. My bad we forgot to ask Bryce but I'm sure he's cool. One other thing when I said animals-I was using something I saw on a movie once-I was not referring to women or men as animals.  Just keep that in mind 

  ***we don't actually consider what Bard does "making arguments" but I suppose lots of you debate hippies think Chucky dolls would be very interesting and postmodern. 

  **** That video is kinda gross.  Click at your own risk!  

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