[eDebate] DCA Debater #7--BLAKE JOHNSON

Josh jbhdb8
Thu May 10 19:23:16 CDT 2007

Luckily for Blake - Kill Rock Star records just released a new Elliot Smith
collection this week,


On 5/10/07, cleary at ou.edu <cleary at ou.edu> wrote:
> Blake received 75 total points
> Dr. Blakelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bong
> The Early Years
> Joseph Blake Johnson was born in Eufaula (pronounced "hick-ville")
> Oklahoma, a small town of 5,000 people in eastern Oklahoma, of which his dad
> was the mayor. When he was young, Blake helped his dad campaign.  While
> Blake was an invaluable campaign tool, he did almost cost his dad an
> election once when he ran across a stage naked that his dad was speaking on
> (this would be the beginning of a long pattern of streaking and just
> generally being naked all of the time).  Little else is known about the
> years Blake spent in Eufaula. All I can gather is that being a politician's
> son taught him how to tell dirty jokes and do a wicked rendition of "Baby
> Got Back."
> While he was still young, Blake moved to Edmond (pronounced
> "white-as-fuck-ville") Oklahoma, a town that has more churches than people
> and still segregates its schools.
> Blake didn't really have any policy debate experience in high school.  In
> fact, he was an LDer.  He was an up and coming star on his (first) high
> school debate team, but an imitation of Johnny Depp in Blow put an end to
> that.  He did win the LD state title and declined his trip to NFL nationals
> to "fight the system," but most of his high school days were spent as the
> lead singer of his (3) Christian "punk" band(s), (aptly) named "No
> Talent."  Back in those days, Blake passed the time rocking out against the
> lack of prayer in public schools (A disclaimer: while most of the jokes in
> this bio are completely true, some are hyperbolic.  But, I'm being dead
> serious here. Blake was a BIG Christian.
> Go-on-mission-trips-to-convert-the-savage kind of Christian.  He's imitated
> to me how he prayed at the church he attended, and let me put it this way, I
> was terrified.  With all the arm raising and weird chants, I wasn't sure if
> we were praying to God or having a s?ance.)
> But he soon wandered from his Christian roots and by the time I met him
> his first year of college, he was a long-haired, vegetarian hippie with this
> lame peace sign tattoo on his leg. He even boasted an impressive rap sheet,
> having been arrested for disorderly conduct after picking a fight with a
> group of 80-year old veterans at a war protest (the veterans won).
> College life for Blake is awesome.  His days usually consist of waking at
> the early hour of 3 PM, just to make it to Happy Hour at 4. Seriously,
> trying to wake this guy before noon is harder than not killing yourself when
> you listen to Brett Wallace go for T.  He's failed afternoon classes solely
> because he had too many absences from sleeping in.  He's not really
> anti-class, he just doesn't believe in going to class on days that end
> in?.."day." He gets by, although I think he is still the only OU student to
> fail "Intro to College: A gnat could get an A in this class"?.twice.
> Not doing policy debate in high school, Blake's transition to the college
> debate world was rough.  For one, he didn't know any of the lingo or staple
> debate arguments.  Until the NDT this year, he thought a double turn was
> good because why turn once, when you can turn twice?
> Blake also could not exactly "go fast" in debates.  It may have been
> because of the 2 packs of cigarettes he smoked per??hour, but seriously, the
> first time I heard him attempt to spread, I thought he was speaking in
> tongues.  He also couldn't finish a 2AR without his inhaler or CPR, which
> I'm still convinced was just an excuse to make out with me. But he soon
> caught on, and before long he was moving at the speed of a Special Olympics
> hurdler, rivaling the likes of speed-demons Tripp Rebrovick and Dan
> Luxemburg. That Blake didn't win speediest debater is a travesty of epic
> proportions.
> Not doing policy debate in high school also meant that Blake never really
> learned how to debate the little, inconsequential things??you know, like
> T.  Seriously, why people didn't go for T against us every round boggles my
> mind. I think Bard could have beaten us on T. The following exchange pretty
> much sums up the OU CJ approach to Topicality:
> Blake: Shit duuuuuuude *cough cough* How am I going to answer this T
> argument?
> Conor: Make a we meet
> Blake: Did you say weed?!?
> Conor: Focus man! Look, all they said was we have to use the Supreme
> Court. For once, we actually do!
> Blake: Duuuuude, this is hard stuff. Can't I just say T=genocide?
> A lot of people think we were a K team because we're dirty hippies.  This
> is partially true. Blake is a dirty hippie.  But the real reason we're a K
> team is because Blake can't pronounce "hegemony."  He still asks which city
> and state the political capital DA is referring to.  It's the damnedest
> thing, but to Blake, simple (read: policy) arguments might as well be
> jibberish, while the musings of a professor from the department of
> Lacantology are a light read.
> Some Other Things You Should Know About Blake
> He's a MySpace whore.  I would say 90% of the play Blake gets is from
> random MySpace girls who go by their MySpace name, rather than their real
> one. In fact, Blake's rate of landing non-MySpace girls is about as good as
> his AFF win percentage against UMKC.  His MySpace connections do produce a
> busy social life. Bored on a Friday night?  Blake solves this problem
> instantly, scans his bulletins (or "bullets" as he likes to call them) and
> finds a party to attend. These parties are?..interesting.  Don't get me
> wrong, they're fun. But they're the kind of parties where all the boys and
> girls look the same.  No one looks a day over 13, everyone wears the same
> jeans and has that weird, short emo hair-cut where the bangs swoop in front
> of only one eye.
> He has an unhealthy obsession with Elliott Smith. Blake has every record
> he has ever done and every show he has ever played. Each slot in Blake's
> car's 6-disc CD player holds one of his albums.  When Smith died, Blake
> didn't speak for three days.
> He has an even unhealthier obsession with fried Okra.  If you don't
> believe me, check out his judging philosophy. He likes it so much he
> proposed renaming the state "Okrahoma."  When I informed him that might be
> perceived as insensitive to Asians, Blake retorted, "These carriers of the
> most humiliating and vengeance-seeking instincts, the descendants of all
> European and non-European slavery, especially of the pre-Aryan people?they
> represent mankind's regression." Shows what reading a little Nietzsche will
> get you.
> In my underground poll for "skinniest debater of the year," Blake won in
> both the boys and girls category, narrowly edging out Kathryn Clark for the
> girl's crown, of which he is particularly proud.  He also won in some
> surprising categories ("would be hotter as a woman") and some not so
> surprising ones ("most likely to give you an STD").  Blake's so skinny he
> still shops in the juniors department at the mall and I think his waist is
> smaller than his age, although he does turn 22 in a few weeks.
> He has a BIG crush on Lee Edelman.  From all accounts, Blake is
> heterosexual but if there is one man he would give it up for, it would be
> "Lee-Pea," as Blake affectionately calls him.  At the NDT, Georgetown
> informed Blake that Edelman had thought the use of his work for our AFF was
> creative and had asked for Blake's email address. Blake's ego got so big
> that I seriously contemplated sending someone to follow closely behind him
> with a "WIDE LOAD" banner, which definitely would have been the only time
> the word "wide" could be applied to Blake. Edelman hasn't emailed him yet,
> but the first thing Blake does when he gets up every morn?evening, is boot
> up his laptop repeatedly chanting "I wonder if he emailed me! I wonder if he
> emailed me!" until his words are giddy screams.  I console him everyday as
> he continually finds his email box empty. Hey, Lee, if you're reading this,
> quit being a dick and send the little guy an email. Blakejohnson at ou.edu or
> 405-LEES-4-ME.
> Blake seriously misses this activity.  The first few days after the NDT
> were rough.  After Blake lay in the fetal position with Elliott Smith's
> "Miss Misery" on repeat for at least 24 hours straight, I started to get
> worried.  He misses debate so much that he tries to make every conversation
> an argument. It's a day-by-day process and although he is getting better, he
> has relapses.  The other day he posted 28 combative messages in debate card
> format within 15 minutes of one another on someone's Facebook wall who had
> suggested that there was no JFK assassination conspiracy.
> The Serious Part
> My love for blake is a little like JW Patterson's reign at
> Kentucky---ugly, but permanent.
> >From Unabomber hoodies to pearl-snap shirts that hurt like hangovers, I'm
> used to it all. But one thing you can't deny about blake is that he has
> style.  Blake wasn't the fastest or most technical debater, but he was one
> of, if not the, most persuasive and compelling debaters in the country this
> year.  I think we won nearly 1/4 of our negative debates this year on his CX
> of the 2AC alone. Jonah Feldman told me that the 5 times in a row he voted
> for us in elims at Northwestern were due to Blake's "luscious" 2ARs. Other
> people agreeing with the "luscious" description include Ken Strange, David
> and Jenny Heidt, and Dallas Perkins (actually he said they were "hotter than
> a honeymoon hotel").
> The most amazing thing about Blake's career is that he did it all without
> debating policy in high school.  I may be mistaken, but I know of no top 10
> DCA debaters in the last few years that graduated high school without debate
> experience.  His success with this in mind makes it all the more incredible.
> It's been fantastic debating with Blake who in addition to being a great
> debater is also my best friend.  He's the funniest and smartest person I
> know.
> Congrats, buddy on receiving a top 10 DCA and on an incredible season.
> I feel compelled to start this whole thing off with a disclaimer.  Any of
> you who know me understand that this is wholly necessary.  I will offend
> someone.  I am a very polarizing guy, it's in my nature.  If I don't offend
> someone, then this bio probably isn't funny.  Please feel free to post
> whatever you like on edebate about how rude, insensitive, uncultured, or
> offensive I am.  When you do so, be sure to point out a) the terrible thing
> I said b) the group or groups it would/should offend/objectify/marginalize
> and c) why it should/will offend said group.  I encourage criticism and may
> even feel inclined to respond to your comments.  Why would I prefer you talk
> about it?  Because this is America, we live in a democracy. And only a
> strong democracy can avert extinction.  As a dirty K debater I hate pretty
> much everything, but I love the shit out of the first amendment.
> Any future employers who are reading this post right now and not hiring me
> for a job because of it:  why are you googling my name you creepy
> bastard?  Seriously, if YOUR boss knew you were on google all day looking up
> random names you would be fired.
> I'd like to say this right now:  I love Blake Johnson.  He is one of my
> best, closest friends on the circuit.  I would eat the corn out of this
> guy's ass if I thought it was necessary for his well-being.  I would not
> take a bullet for him, but I would be willing to throw Cleary in the path of
> the bullet, which is a pretty fair compromise.  Anything sounding
> mean-spirited in this is done out of love.  Now, there is a possibility this
> won't be funny. This is because I'm reading it out loud to myself, and
> delivery is always an important component of comedy, which is hard to
> translate into words.  If you think this bio sucks, you're dead to me.  Just
> ask me sometime and I'll read it to you, and I promise that you will have
> the same reaction Joe Patrice once did:  you will laugh so hard you will
> throw up in your mouth.
> The Name
> Blake Johnson.  It's not a totally badass name.  Skimmyhorn, that's a
> kickass name.  Night Rider, that is a badass name.  Shatner is the name of a
> god.  Blake Johnson, now that's an American name.    Funny thing is Blake
> Johnson isn't his colonial name, it's his Indian name.  His family is
> notoriously chauvinistic, and obsessed with the phallus.  Blake swore me to
> secrecy over this in case he ever had to run a K that was "sensitive with
> the ladies," as he put it.  Blake complains about his name a lot because
> it's "too mainstream."
> The Style
> Blake is not a hipster.  Perhaps I should say this one more time: BLAKE IS
> NOT A HIPSTER.  His mother just dressed him up like that as a kid, and he
> stuck with it.  Blake really does think that the pinnacle of all fashion is
> the button up shirt that looks like it came out of a 1960s Western.  And you
> know what, he wears that shirt with the class and dignity it deserves.  When
> this man walks into a bar, people take notice.  It's kind of like when Marty
> McFly walks into the bar in Back to the Future, only completely lame because
> it doesn't involve time travel.  Now, if ever there was a reason why the
> forced assimilation of Native americans into western culture is ethically
> wrong, it is NOT the genocide of millions (I mean, you call it genocide,
> some call it progress).  No, the one reservation (pun intended) Native
> americans would have to assimilation in hind sight would be watching their
> descendents walking around looking like?..Blake.  If Blake's great great
> grandfather could
> see him now he'd be the first in line to take a blanket.  Blake doesn't
> care what you think of how he looks.  Why?  Because he is obviously more hip
> than you.  You judge him based on his material possessions, but that is so
> capitalist and Blake is so not a capitalist. I should point out that I lied
> about something earlier-Blake is, in fact, a hipster.
> The Aff
> Blake had one helluva good aff win percentage this year.  I never got to
> debate it myself, as Blake always had a new, untopical aff to break against
> us.  But I have had talks and seen the data, and it was impressive.  So now
> it's time for the truth.  In Oklahoma, death drive is just the term people
> used when they get really lit at the bar and then try to drive home.  He
> also knows nothing about psychoanalysis.  I know this because I've talked to
> him, and I don't know a damn thing about it either.  So I just made a bunch
> of shit up and he just kept talking to me like what I was saying was
> relevant.  In all honesty, Blake has no idea what death drive
> means.  Neither did anyone else debating him.
> But I'll say this:  the most frustrating thing about debating this guy is
> his 2AR.  Anyone who debated him knows what I'm saying.  Your first reaction
> is: what the fuck is this guy talking about?  Watching Cleary's 1ar and
> Blake's 2ar is like watching Highlander 1 and 2 back-to-back.  Yeah, it's
> entertaining, but when you get to the sequel you have no idea what just
> happened.  First McCloud's immortal, now he's an alien?
> After debating against the CJ 1ar/2ar combo, you know what it's like for
> Ken Strange every round when he wakes up after the block.
> Not that judges should take notice of this discrepancy.  You can only
> handle so many fancy words in one speech, which brings me to:
> The Postmodern Generator
> Blake is the postmodern generator.  It's one of his most cunning
> qualities.  If you are going for a perm against OU, good luck, because we
> all know you have no idea what he said in the 1nr but every sentence was
> followed by: "this is another disad to the perm," which is literally the
> only sentence you could understand. Now this is assuming he answers the
> perm.
> Any of you ladies and gents who have ever made out with Blake, here is
> some insight:
> I actually found this out the first time I made out with Blake.  I am not
> attracted to men, I just needed the practice and Russell was teaching a
> class.
> Blake doesn't know how to kiss.  When you are kissing him, and you think
> he's doing such a fantastic job, he is actually still just talking.  You are
> feeling his mouth and tongue as it continues to spout out random,
> multisyllabic words that may or may not have meaning.  But don't worry,
> Blake loves that shit, so it was probably better for him than it was for
> you.
> So after we're done making out, he looks at me:
> BJ: What do you think?
> MG: it was OK, but you spit a lot.  Plus you know I'm into the rough
> stuff.
> BJ: What are you talking about?
> MG:  What are you talking about?
> BJ:  I was asking what your response to what I just said was.
> MG:  What did you say?  I thought we were sharing a special moment.
> BJ:  I said, ""Culture is part of the collapse of reality," says Derrida;
> however, according to Buxton[1] , it is not so much culture that is part of
> the collapse of reality, but rather the futility of culture. If precultural
> libertarianism holds, we have to choose between postcultural libertarianism
> and patriarchial narrative.
> "Class is fundamentally meaningless," says Foucault. In a sense, in
> Amarcord, Fellini reiterates subcultural dialectic theory; in La Dolce Vita,
> however, he deconstructs precultural libertarianism. Lyotard promotes the
> use of surrealism to modify society.
> However, Brophy[2] states that we have to choose between postdialectic
> theory and the cultural paradigm of consensus. A number of materialisms
> concerning the role of the writer as poet exist.
> Therefore, Bataille suggests the use of precultural libertarianism to
> challenge archaic perceptions of sexuality. An abundance of narratives
> concerning surrealism may be discovered.
> Thus, precultural libertarianism implies that narrative is created by the
> masses. If precapitalist Marxism holds, we have to choose between
> precultural libertarianism and the cultural paradigm of consensus.
> MG:  God I love it when you talk dirty, can I have one more practice
> round?
> Let's be serious for a moment.  That essay Blake spouted off while I was
> tonguing him sounds like one of his speeches.  You can imagine why it's so
> easy for them to pick up Harris's ballot.  Reading all of OU's evidence
> after a round is like play-dough.  It can say whatever you want, it's
> completely subjective and the judge can make the card answer anything.  It's
> really a damn magic show that is allowed to go on because everyone has too
> much pride.  You don't know what they're saying, the judge doesn't know what
> they're saying, but who's going to admit it.  You know that if you argue you
> are going to hear more shit you don't understand, which will only make you
> feel more stupider.
> Give Back the Land
> How could we talk about anyone from OU without mentioning give back the
> land?  That OU has popped so many great teams on give back the land is a
> testament to their skill.  Everyone seems to think that OU has an emotional
> attachment to the argument, like it's their "project" to talk about Native
> Americans.  I don't mean to sell him out here, but Blake doesn't give a
> shit.  He has told me several times that he thought most of the US's land
> acquisition was "savvy real estate maneuvering" and that Indian nations were
> "lucky to get anything at all."  That may be his personal stance, but you'll
> be surprised to hear how he feels about the argument in terms of
> debate.  Blake thinks it's a terrible argument.  He even knows that it isn't
> competitive and always solved by the do both permutation.  He doesn't give a
> shit either way.  It's funny that he beat you on such a bad argument.  Let
> me give you some advice right now:  If you have ever lost to give back the
> land-kill yourself.  Now
> , he defeated me on this argument in the Sems of UTD a few years back, and
> part of me is now dead.  If you are a young debater, and you watched them
> run this argument, and now it interests you-please just let it go.  Let's
> have a huddle right now and lay a 3 year ban on give back the land.
> Blake on Conor
> Conor, it's time you knew:  Blake hates you.  He is jealous of your
> ability to be such a handsome, popular young man while at the same time
> wearing just enough ridiculous looking suit jackets to be semi-hipster.  He
> is afraid you will spawn a new race of well-rounded, universally accepted
> hipsters, which will clearly defeat the entire purpose of hipsterism.  He
> does sick shit to you while you sleep.  And Conor, this is Malgor talking,
> if I say something is sick?..it's sick.  Remember what happened to us at the
> Tokyo spa?  Ten times worse than that.  Friendly advice:  brush your
> teeth?..constantly.
> Blake on Blake
> First, I'd like to point out how sweet the phrase "blake on blake"
> sounds.  Blake is incredibly insightful.  He will really delve into the
> depths of his soul to find answers in life.  Of course, he always concludes
> that he is the shit.  Blake's self-defined "character flaws" consist of
> things like:  I'm just too pretty sometimes, or I really spend too much time
> volunteering at the soup kitchen."  Here is a great story:
> Blake thought about giving the CEDA trophy back, or just renouncing it
> completely.  He felt so guilty.  His ultra-intellectual, well-rounded
> hipsterness told him something was wrong.  Finally, during some pillow talk
> he and I had, he figured it out.  Blake really hates capitalism.  If you are
> a capitalist, you are so not his friend.  And if you believe in capitalist
> ideals, you are basically like so Eurocentric that you are causing
> intersubjective ontological violence on all of humanity.  Well Blake is a
> real horatio alger when it comes to debate.  Him winning CEDA nationals is a
> phenomenal achievement, lending legitimacy to the idea that if you just try
> hard and pick yourself up by your bootstraps you'll achieve all your
> dreams.  To blake, that's a load of capitalist crap meant to keep most of
> the population subservient to the ideals of the few rich fatcats that
> control global production.   And he read this article in International
> Perspectives that told him that when indiv
> iduals reinforce that capitalist ideology they are basically supporting
> war, racism, sexism, genocide, and environmental destruction.  Well Blake
> wanted to have nothing to do with two of those things.  This guy is so not
> capitalist that he was gonna throw it all away just so no future debaters
> would buy into such ultra-individualistic, neoliberal propaganda.  Instead
> of giving the trophy back, he decided to just donate some money to the
> Monthly Review and call it a day.
> The Nice Stuff
> It's really hard for me to bash Blake.  I love him to death.  I'd like to
> use a lot of space here to say the honest stuff.  If the stupid argument
> that edebate will affect future employment decisions is true, then this
> section might get him the job.
> You deserve all the success you had this season.  Hell, you deserve
> more.  What you have done for OU debate is amazing.  I was very proud of you
> at every tournament, even when I was a little jealous of your
> success.  You've set a standard that will be nearly impossible for future
> debaters to surpass.  But honestly, Blake, I don't need to talk about how
> great you are at debate.  Only a great debater could take down 4 national
> tournaments.
> You are a great friend.  In fact, I can't remember a time since I've known
> you when I didn't consider you a close friend.  For 3 seasons you have
> provided consistent support and guidance any time I needed it.  I have had
> and lost a lot of friends over the years, but I know that I will always be
> able to count on you.  You are one of the most sensitive, honest people I
> have ever met.  Every time we talk, you hit me with a level of sincerity
> that is always reassuring.  That you never betray yourself or others, and
> are always honest, is a sign of great character.  No matter how successful
> you were at a tournament it was always me that you were concerned
> with.  Even during the lowest lows, you consistently supported me, assuring
> me that better things would come.  That kind of unselfishness is hard to
> find in any setting, much less a competitive one.
> You have always carried yourself knowing that it is what you do now that
> is important; it is what we do with the relationships we have now that shape
> our impact on this world.  I am honored to say you are one of my best
> friends.  Okay, I have a lot more to say, but this is starting to sound like
> a love letter.
> May the four winds safely blow you home.
> Love
> malgor
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