[eDebate] Advertisement: Public Advocate for Hire
Thu Apr 3 11:35:28 CDT 2008
After receiving the 23rd backchannel email in support of my comments about
the First Round rankings, I now realize that a lot of people have a lot of
complaints and, for whatever reason, don't feel comfortable expressing them
in an open forum. So, given the market's great strength at providing supply
to meet demand, I offer the following:
Are you pissed off, but afraid to say so? Worried that your boss will can
you for speaking your mind? Concerned that the judges who suck will
vindictively drop your teams (as opposed to now, where they just make
randomly bad decisions and drop them) if you question their competency?
Do you really want to be in the kitchen, but fear the heat may be too much?
Then Michael Hester is your man.
Hester has more than 15 years experience at making caustic remarks in
public. Need to call out someone for being a dumbass? He's done it!
Interested in making sarcastic comments, but don't quite know how to make
them sound funny? He has hundreds of time-tested phrases in the archive to
choose from! With Hester arguing on your behalf, you'll enjoy all the
benefits of having your case made public, without the bother of political
Choose from these packages, all reasonably priced:
Option One: The Hester Harangue. Dripping with sarcasm and laden with
examples and analogies, this long-winded, super-sized, criticism will
literally wear down your targets until they simply give up. This package
comes with one long critique, as well as an unlimited number of rebuttals.
i.e., it's a one-time purchase for a life-time of hell - for your opponent!
Option Two: The Hester Harassment. A more stream-lined version of the
harangue, this package still delivers the goods. You'll receive a
medium-sized rant, and either 5 short rebuttals, or 10 quick comebacks.
Although it doesn't come with the winning guarantee of Option One, Option
Two will sufficiently make fun of your target enough to deter future
activity by them.
Option Three: The Hester Half-Wit. Our most moderately priced receptacle of
venom, this package is an economical grab-bag of one-liners. You'll receive
classics like "wtf?!" as well as Hester specialties such as "mo-tard" and
"assininity." Option Three contains no guarantee of success, and frequently
works best only if combined with Options One or Two.
Each package is custom-designed for your own, special needs. Having attacked
DOFs, debaters, and just random people naive enough to get caught in the
cross-fire, Hester has a flexible arsenal of smartass sayings and funny
comebacks he can combine with lengthy rants and ramblings - enough to take
care of your dirty business while you keep your hands (and conscience)
Addtionally, each package is guaranteed to contain at least one decent
argument, complete with a claim, warrant, and data. In fact, most Hester
attacks contain multiple arguments, each of varying quality, but all of some
value. (Warning: due to the manufacturing process, items may contain peanuts
or peanut oil)
So, the next time you have an argument you want to make on public message
board, but are afraid you might come across like an ass, Let Hester Do It
interested? packages can be purchased by calling 1-800-OMG-STFU or emailing
schadenfreude at whiners&losers.lol
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