[eDebate] a couple of characters

Travis John Cram tcram
Tue Apr 22 17:49:51 CDT 2008

Apologies if this is a repost (I'm edebate  impaired)Anyways...

Jennings' celebration of Bricker's dorkitude reminded me of something I wanted to do.  Again, I don't know if there will be a DCA process considering some of the other more important discussions that have been occurring (and the inevitable drama surrounding such an enterprise), but I wanted to take a minute to make fun of at least two people whom I love dearly.

Martin Eugene 'Ozzy' Osbourne

Two things about the name: 1) Eugene is not his actual middle name, but wouldn't it be sweet if it was? 2) The egregious misspelling of Osborn is mostly because he hates it when people do that and partially because he's a man who needs more class.

The funny part:  First things first, Ermo's CEDA speech comment compared Martin's "Even if I'm not always first speaker, I beat the first speaker in ranks" argument to a high school IEer saying "I picket-fenced prelims!"  I don't care to elaborate other than say that this is really, really hilarious.  If you've ever seen the earnest desperation of a 16 year interper who does drama or poetry, you'll understand why this is the funniest thing ever.  But I digress
  Martin's debate career is one largely born of contradictions.  He was an odd fit (to say the least) in the Wyoming Speech and Debate community (for a beautiful description of the environment, please see Martin's description at: http://www.ndtceda.com/pipermail/edebate/2007-May/070873.html ).  His fashion style at the time is best described as 'homeless' and hygiene was rated as 'what's a shower?'  He once went two weeks in July (in Kansas of all places) without taking a shower, until forced to by the venerable Will Jensen.  Despite written comments from judges that included "get a comb" (actual) and "can I buy you a bowl of soup or drive you to a shelter" (highly plausible), Martin clobbered together perhaps the most successful season of any debate team in the region his senior year.  For those whose first response is "being good at debate in Wyoming is like being good at taking a crap", many of his victories came against the much despised "circuit kids" that we would come to loathe so much.  The completeness of his contradictory life can only be seen by comparing his senior year in high school to this year.  In high school, he was double ones, primarily ran Lacan (no, I didn't stutter
fucking Lacan
 'suture lack
libidinal economy
phantasmic representations of harmony
blah blah blah'), and probably didn't crack the top 50 speakers at any tournament (he and Will once won a tournament undefeated, while neither appeared in the top fifty speakers
)  This year, he was double twos (double two and a halfs if you consider his backpack
), had an argumentative dogmatism that would make Stalin blush (if only Stalin had his sense of humor), and was top speaker at a few totally non-important, small, regional tournaments.  Not too bad for some schmuck from Cheyenne, Wyoming.

The serious part: Even though it took us a few years to not arbitrarily dislike each other, I'm glad I get to call you one of my very best friends.  You're a stubborn, principled sonofabitch and that's why I love ya buddy.  You're one of the few people besides myself that is able to successfully laugh at life as well as yourself, a quality I admire more than anything.  I'm still bitter about you blind-calling me and turning quad aces that one time.

William "Bill Swenson" Jensen

A Note about the name:  call Will 'Bill'; it really pisses him off
  Actually, his name is going to change in May after his wedding.  Because he's really progressive, after May 25th, his legal name will in fact be Mary Mosley.  So be sure to send the Marys well wishes.

The funny part:  I'm not going to talk a lot about Will's high school debate career (Martin's mostly covers it).  But, if Martin was the 'strange homeless man', ole Wilbur was the 'articulate young gentleman in the lovely hat with the hair
I should have him take my grand-daughter to the big formal dance.'  Actually, he didn't always have that ridiculous mane.  When I first met Will, he had a buzzcut.  To be more specific, Will's hairstyle made United States Marines look like lazy, insubordinate hippies.  However, after a few years in high school, Will one day asked "hey guys, what's a girlfriend?"  The ridiculous buzzcut hasn't appeared since.  Will was also the most fortuitous member of our squad.  The smart money back then said that he would be the one go on and be a lawyer who might someday spring the rest of us from prison.  While we all did lots of ridiculous shit, the man always had trouble getting anything to stick to Will.  Will was also notoriously lazy in high school, but he handed the 'laziest, talented debater' torch to Chris Crowe once he got to college.  While he was a consistent worker in college, his productivity directly correlates with when he was single, so we got about one semester of hard work out of him in 5 years
  Little known fact: Will Jensen is actually the biggest debate dork, you just don't know.  He avoids scrutiny by maintaining his dirty hippie appearance.  So, while you may come up to him and ask "where can I get weed" or "what's the name of that one Grateful Dead b-side", all he wants to talk about is a link-turn card that he cut three or four seasons ago but never ran even though it was so sweet.  Whatever you do, don't mention the word 'carbonyl sulfides' in his presence; he may actually shit his pants out of excitement. 

The serious part: Willy J, you're the shit.  The one and a half years we got (should have been three
my bad) were awesome.  Of my many, many partners, I had the most fun with you.  My only career regrets were not running the 'except in the instance of the plan' counterplan and never getting a crack at Martin when we were negative.  All kidding and frustrations we've had aside, you're seriously the best friend I could ever ask for and definitely one of the best people alive on this fair planet of ours.  Play some foosball with me before we grow up and get on with our lives

Some other people I think are awesome:

The champs:  To Towson (especially Andy)
winning CEDA nats and then clearing at the NDT, seriously incredible.  Wake, awesome NDT, even though you put my boy out in Semis (same to you Towson

Kansas BJ & JS: Jennings prompted me to go back and look at that UNI from the energy topic.  It's hilarious.  I beat three out of four of ya'll that weekend (Bricker especially
teach you to read new impacts in the block).  Then you all became much better than me 
 regardless, I consider all of you my friends and am excited to be in Lawrence next year.

Dartmouth KO: I think I enjoyed debating you cats more than any other first round this last year.  All our debates were really fun and I like that there are other heg dorks in the community besides me.

Stannard: thanks for keeping Pokes debate open and accessible for anyone and giving me a home there for a few years.  I love my state and University

Brian Delong: For the vast majority of his life, Delo's legal name was actually 'Brain', which is fitting because he's a mad genius (mad as in crazy, not mad is in ill, ill as in awesome).  He still feels the need to bring up the fact that I almost cut off his arm; you'd think he'd be the bigger man or at least have a sense of humor about it...Regardless, I love the man.

Chris Crowe: you're a big-headed sonofabitch but I love you dearly.

Various judges who put up with our ridiculousness: there's too many to mention, but I thank you all.

Go Red Wings.
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