[eDebate] Hester hits the nail on the head

Eric Wendell Marlow emarlow
Sun Aug 24 10:21:16 CDT 2008

I have to agree with Mike.  Everything started to go downhill when we 
stopped dressing professionally in debates.  I mean think about it, 
since the disappearance of the neck tie from policy debate rounds, here 
are just a few of the things that have gone wrong

--Participation numbers and schools have declined dramatically

--The Star Chamber of the NDT leadership has subverted and assimilated 
the CEDA community

--We had to create the new terminology "the debate after the debate"

--We have watched mutual preference judging steal everything good in 
our lives away, including our husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, 
parents, friends, and even our children while laughing at us for our 
stupidity and stealing the hope from our lives. (MPJ has been really 

--The hippies and long hairs have started that thing they do where they 
"think freely" and "question assumptions"...enough with the crazy 
stoner talk...get a haircut...and a job...Leary is dead...Garcia is 
dead...Nixon is dead.  Let it go.

--We have discovered that the activity we have passionately pursued for 
large chunks of our lives is exclusionary and probably structurally 
racist/sexist/classist/elitist and we don't really know how to adapt it.

--The price of gasoline has almost tripled.

--We have been to war in Iraq...twice.

--Our politics have been hijacked by the most tight fisted, messianic, 
information controlling, blantantly dishonest, nepotistic, imperial 
president in the history of the nation.

--The Indians still haven't gotten their land back.  In fact, Ward 
Churchill is no longer in academia, but is contributing to the 
recession by being just another unemployed white guy.

--The US somehow failed to win the gold medal in basketball at the 2004 

--We gave up on going to the moon, developed the "been there done that" 
mentality and turned our back on our nation's greatest technological 
achievement and one of our most inspiring leaders' vision for the 
future of the nation

--Fox News began broadcasting.

--China has replaced the US as the manufacturing engine that drives the 
global econonmy.

--We have been through the two most severe recessions in the post Great 
Depression era and our favorite economic impact authors have yet to 
come through for us...I mean, come on Beardon et al, how much 
unemployment/inflation/poverty/foreclosure do we need before we get 
that next world war...what? We aren't kicking people out of their homes 
into the street fast enough?

--We have witnessed the decline of common sense to the point where 
people are actually more concerned about same sex couples getting 
married than they are about the fact that they still don't have health 
care, clean alternative energy, prosperity, or flying cars.

--Brittany Spears, Paris Hilton, Brangelina, and Bennifer have 
demonstrated just how stupid television has made our society.  Every 
breath they take brings us all closer to the apocalypse.

And finally

--Terrorists attacked the World Trade Center buildings and generated 
enough paranoia in our politicians that they have increased government 
power to such an extent that we have less freedom than at any time 
since the Civil Rights Act became law.  Our community's current crisis 
of credibility is directly attributable to this new world of 
omnipresent surveillance and evangelical dictation of morality in the 
true tradition of Big Brother.  Even the university, the last real 
bastion of free expression, academic freedom, and independent thought 
has sold out and is now basing employment decisions on advertising 
potential and our ability to sell their label.

Now I am not saying that the root cause of the collapse of everything 
we know and love in the world is inevitable.  Its not too late for us 
to turn back the rising tide of tackiness currently on display in 
college policy debates.  If you all will just make a trip to JCPenny's 
and consume a little bit more, you can be a part of saving the world.  
Each and every individual is uniquely key and only through disengaging 
from the disaster that we are on a collision course with can all of us 
transcend and decolonize our thinking to see the authentic value of 
embracing the big Other within the simulation and realize the full 
potential of Dasein.  So I urge you all to please be a part of the 
solution.  Join with Hester and I by purchasing ties and skirts and 
maybe even a sport coat or a cardigan.  Don't just wear them to 
debate...you can never be too careful in saving all things good...wear 
them to your classes, your jobs, on dates, to frat parties, grocery 
shopping, running errands around town, and especially to sporting 
events (particulary Nascar).  Be proud to be a hero in the war to save 
humanity from the rising tide of evil.  We must act now.  Stop reading 
and get yourself down to the mall!!!

Just remember how happy we were in the good old days when debaters 
looked like junior statespeople in training.  Harken back to a time 
when the world was a better place.  You have the power to make this a 
reality.  Seize your power, don your sweet new threads, and get ready 
for a world filled with happiness, endlessly blissful days, and warm 
puppies for everyone.  Lets all join together to sit out on the porch 
swing, sip iced tea, watch the sunset, knowing all the while that the 
neck tie and skirt saved the world.
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