[eDebate] Martin Osborn Bio

Louie Petit louiedebate
Tue Jul 8 14:50:14 CDT 2008

*DISCLAIMER*: We do not take responsibility for anything that is written below, but we are responsible for the writing below.  Hopefully that statement expresses our stupidity, which will allow us to get off the hook if we offend anyone.  All jokes are made with the intent of humor, but in reality Ben Warner and Louie Petit are not funny.  Ben and Louie would like to thank those that helped in writing this bio and those that give us material to use.  There is a lot more that we would like to say and lots more that we would have liked to include, but we did not.  We want to mention that the random number throughout the bio line up with the numbers at the end.  It is almost like footnotes, but not really....
Also, we wrote this because we thought there would be DCA awards and Martin Osborn would at best receive an honorable mention, so we wanted to be ready.  We are not really sure what happened to the DCA?s.  We remember Chris Burk saying that he was on top of them, and that they would be coming soon, but we thought that maybe he was joking.  By joking we mean he forgot he said he would do them because he is a very busy man.  So in the spirit of good jokes, self-deprecating humor, and in honor of our good friend Martin Osborn, we provide you all with his bio? 

Key stats about Martin: 

Employment: unemployed. He says that he is a professional poker player, but I think if you pay other people it isn?t technically a job.  Moreover, one can hardly be considered a professional poker player when you mirror your game after Chris Moneymaker and the advice Macgyver gave him. You can watch that advice here: (make sure your volume is on)    http://macgyverpoker.ytmnd.com/  

Fianc? employment: art class model and the lead conspiracy writer for why drinking milk (yeah MILK the good for your bones stuff) will kill you.  She is also an aspiring eastern medicine voodoo hack (1), this is functionally the same as a chiropractor but they use more smelly oils and candles.

Update- Martin and Amelia got married!! Congrats!!

Past Bio that you should read because it is funny:  Having immigrated across the Rio Grande, Martin Osborn marks a rare break in a long chain of Mexican boxing Osborns. Raised by a set of highly-skilled maids and his wealthy grandparents, life on the white sandy beaches of Mexico instilled him with very little "appreciation" for second-rate activity and pastimes. At some point Osborn's healthy respect for authority wafted out to sea along with the soft sound of Mariachi guitars and the sway of Spanish horns. Despite his "scrap" and "wit" Martin is best known for his complete lack of showering habits. Seriously, this guy is more rank than a Mike Kearney-divised neg strategy against an S.U.V. case. Usually sporting a case with huge impacts, he and his partner can be found spread out like fake cheese on a cracker at almost any moment at a debate tournament or in practice round against novices (2).

Sports: Martin grew up in Wyoming so he just picked sports teams at random. As a result, he is a fan of the Green Bay Packers in the NFL (actually cried for two days when Brett Favreeeararaaaa retired), the Boston Red Sox in MLB (Has recently become a Kansas City Royals fan because Boston has enjoyed too much success and since Shanahan showed his ass the image of Red Sox fans have been tarnished- literally), the Kansas Jayhawks in NCAA (Ben dropped this KU crap in order to justify his own bandwagon love of the dirty Jayhawks, and in reality Martin would be the first to piss on whatever KU was given for winning that championship) and?in the NBA?the New York Knickerbockers. I don?t think he has received nearly enough pain for this. How many times have you thought, ?I wish I knew a Knicks fan. Man, I would love to talk some shit to a Knicks fan right about now.? Forward all such thoughts to bandanamartin at gmail.com (3). 

Music: Martin has nearly impeccable taste in music. I mean, 99% of what he likes is pure gold. He does not listen to that garbage that most people do. If you ask what he likes and he tells you ?good music, not shit,? that would be a pretty accurate way to describe it.  As a matter of fact he is such a music snob that he created a music class, syllabus and all, and demanded that people take his class.  The lasted about two weeks and then Kearney told him to fuck off (he was really drunk, trust us) and Warner was too busy looking up naked pictures of Steve (MVP) Nash and Amare Stoudemire (4) to burn the required material for that night?s class.  However, there are these two completely true stories about Martin?s music taste. 
Example One:
Martin was pawning all of his CDs for poker money, or food money or something like that so he had them all in the squad room. The following conversation ensued:
BW: Hey, wtf is this Chumbawumba cd? 
MO: Dude, actually that cd is pretty good. I know everyone just thinks of the Tubthumper song but the deeper cuts are quality. 
BW: ??? I can?t believe you are defending this shit. Seriously, Chumbawumba? 
MO: No, dude, listen to ?The Good Ship Lifestyle?
--about 45 seconds pass?
MO: Ok man, I may have been wrong about this. 
BW: I hope someday you win a DCA award so I can tell this story 

Example Two: 
Martin had just returned from Wyoming. By all accounts this trip takes something like 300 hours and the dude was driving a 1970s Satellite (like this: http://www.mopar.de/member_68sate.jpg but bigger, more beige and more rusted out). The car had no air conditioning or cd player?just the radio and the hot summer wind in his face. He get back and says ?dude, you are going to make fun of me(5), but I kinda like that new Ashlee Simpson song.? I think the song was pieces of me or something, but I?m not that familiar with her catalogue. No punch line here, just a true story about Ozzy digging the musical styling of Ashlee Simpson. I chalk it up to heat stroke.  

Early childhood:
Martin, as is the case with most Mexicans, had a fascination with taking apart small machinery and bicycles and trying to build larger ones with their parts.  This fascination ended abruptly when Martin crashed his rebuilt bicycle into a neighbor?s house because he forgot to install brakes on the rebuilt bicycle.  This was the first of many examples of Oz hitting the wall face first.  His inability to ever beat the K (when Malgor and whatever sac he was debating with read it) with his framework file is just the most recent example.  There will be more about how Malgor owns Oz?s soul below. In 4th grade or something Martin was on a local Wyoming news station?s investigative report about education in Cheyenne. They asked some smart white girl easy questions that she had no trouble answering. They asked Martin what the capital of Canada was. He shrugged. They asked him if he knew where Afghanistan was. He said, in the high pitched voice of a child, ?how should I know.? This would foreshadow a 5 year career of disinterested and brutally honest cross examination periods in which Martin would pay fleeting attention to the question and make jokes about not understanding the K. Martin has this ?investigative report? on vhs. I pray he will learn how to put it on YouTube. Martin was also on the news a lot later in life, for 6 consecutive months as the Cheyenne Wyoming ?silent witness of the week? crime. I don?t know this story but it has something to do with a Foucault book, police cars and a Thanksgiving turkey. 

High school debate: 
Martin debated with Will Jensen. He was double 1s, in part because Wyoming people are racist and had an easier time voting for that ?attractive Jensen boy,? but also because Martin was crappy. So crappy that he got destroyed at the TOC, winning only 1 debate. However that win was over Ross Ricendorferrrrrrrerr (that guy from Whitman that everyone likes and as a last name that is impossible to spell) and ensured Ross would roll the doughnut.  I like to remind Dylan Quigley that this is 100% more than he won at the TOC.  I especially like to remind Dylan because his uptight academic scruples force him to point out that technically 1 round is infinitely more than 0, not 100%(6). Dylan talks about this a lot because he never shuts up about his high school debate career. 
Martin also was on the B team in high school. Travis Cram was on the A team. (And for good reason, Cram rules. Welcome to Kansas Cram) (7).   By the way to all you kids that love Ozzy for defending the wall and being a staunch statist get on lexis and search Osborn AND resistance AND police AND Wyoming.   You?re a traitor Oz.  

College debate:
When Martin was a frosh he was kinda good. He debated with Kearney, who rules and was probably much better than Martin, so they did ok. Martin also HATED circuit kids. Anytime he beat a TOC kid (his whole debate career) it made him insanely happy. In fact, before the story of the GBN debate is told, you should know this TOC/Rich kid story from Joe Carver (self-confessed coach of rich kids):
The second time we hired Ozzie [for the TOC] he showed up and started ranting about how rich the girls were and how he hated them for it. Not as bad as the time Nirav traveled with us and the girls thought he was their valet, but still pretty bad. Anyway Ozzie's introduction to adolescent girls was to give them all cute nicknames like "Beetlejuice" , "#3" and "dummie".  Despite his obvious character flaws [read: race] the girls loved him.  When he came to the TOC this year, he insisted on playing Donkey Kong the whole time. Thad needed one card from him and it took until Sunday to get it. This is what the conversation on those days were like
Me (joe Carver): Oz we need some "No RRW" cards
Oz: Oh that's how it's gonna be? You think because you got more money than me, I'll just roll over and play Mexican?
Me (Joe Carver): Louie, can you get these cards for me?

*The Glenbrook north debate*
Perhaps only a tangent on the story at hand, but I couldn?t rob you of that one. Now, the GBN debate (distinct from the time in high school when GBN sent him packing): His frosh year he went to the Heart of America tournament, avoided almost every good team entered (all 2 or 3 of them), got beat down by James and Justin (easily the best win ever for these two debaters, they actually never won another round, seriously) from UCO in prelims, and managed to squeak all the way to finals. They never debated NYU or MalGor (btw, Martin loves it when Malcom calls him Marty, absolutely loves it) or really anyone else. KO end up debating the Klinger/Nathan reunion tour in finals. This was Europe and Ozzy was running the giant Iraq case with little defense of it so we were popping popcorn and gearing up for a good old fashion passionate ass whipping. Something funny was going on though, Klinger was walking around smiling and saying ?this round is going to be crazy? and ?you?ll have something to say?but this is going to be crazy.? Apparently by ?crazy? Klinger meant that, instead of doing 360 dunks with a d/a and some case, GBN would be ?sparking? the kids from SMS. Here is a widely known secret about D3, everyone sparks in D3 (thanks Emporia and the fat redheaded man we call Ken D.). We had devoted a week of districts prep work to locking down our spark frontline because EVERYONE in D3 sparks (Michigan State learned this the hard way at the swings one year). Not only did KO have something to say, they had a brand spanking new frontline that was the product of hours of work by Ben Warner, Ermo and Kearney.  With that collaboration of minds it ensured whenever sparked SMS would have the goods on the intrinsic criticisms of any spark author (8).  Short synopsis: Stacy makes Ozzy look dumb in cx, then lets him get over on her when she tries to argue that bees don?t have eyes. The frontline looks good. The block is literally the motherfucking hammer. The judges, out of respect for KO and their game performance, take 45 minutes to announce that it was an ass beating. Afterword to the story: Kentucky tournament the next year (or Wake or whatever) Klinger gets into an elevator with Ozzy after beating Chris Loghry in a debate where Loghrey sparks. Loghrey went to high school with Ozzy too, and was a best friend and mentor. Klinger says ?hey man, thanks. If it weren?t for you in that spark debate we might have lost this round.? Ozzy says something like ?fucking great, glad I could help you beat one of my best friends? and gets off the elevator. 

Last thing about Ozzy as a frosh.  Ask him about his experience with a performance of Oedipus Rex by the Jordans of Kansas and the subsequent ass-beating he received because he failed to confront his mortality through ancient Greek tragedy.  This was now the last time that the Greek?s got the best of Ozzy.  Well actually it might be because I cannot think of any jokes to make here or think if a story about Greece.  Wait Greece/Turkey was in the Europe topic, a few good school?s ran that as an aff.  Okay that is all that I know.

The Scott Phillips year
There isn?t much to say about this year. KO would go up 2 with 27s and debate Scott Phillips. They would get beat down, learn a lot about debate, lose a bunch more rounds, and repeat. I only bring this up at all so I can remind Phil Samuels of the time he let Scotty off the hook for double turning himself in the 1ac by reading so2 screw cards in his warming advantage. 
Kearney: what about the warming debate?
Phil: I don?t think you win the so2 arguments. 
Kearney: what about the 1ac card that says so2 cools the earth?
Phil: hmm, don?t have that on my flow??uh?..I?M NOT FUCKING YOU HERE MAN!
China topic
I don?t remember much about KO this year. I do know that this was the year they started cutting 90% of what they read in rounds. One big myth about top level teams is that they have lots of card cutters. I?ve heard that a small number of people cut most of the cards for Emory and Cal, but I have no idea. I do know that almost all of Bricker and Jennings cards (We use cards in a loose sense so that it includes blogs and random advertisements you find on google) were cut by Bricker and Jennings (in spite of the 30 debaters and 25 coaches at KU) and that Ozzy and Kearney damn near refused to read evidence that they didn?t cut for themselves. The occasional file I (Ben) cut was read (till I got them in trouble against Emory CG) and Louie eventually took over the ?bad strat against good teams? role formerly inhabited by Kearney, but the idea that you need an army to keep up with the borg is just horseshit. The good teams do it damn near singlehanded. If you are the only card cutter on your team, well, pony up. It?s not an excuse to ignore the topic. 

One story. When KO debated Whitman teams they always got into Holocaust trivialization debates. I don?t know how good the files were but KO didn?t typically lose on this variety of argument and Whitman typically kicked it. In one round Whitman kicked the argument in the block. The result was some true holocaust trivialization. ?This flow is a literal debate holocaust? ?I?m not exaggerating or being metaphorical, we are holocausting them on this argument? and, when Martin finished with 30 seconds left in the 2ar, ?Holocaust Holocaust Holocaust Holocaust? till the buzzer went off.(9)

Two story. So KO after losing to Malgor and partner like it was Kearney?s job, they get another chance, the fourth chance, at the district 3 tournament.  The panel was classic D3 best, just know that Terri Easley was on that panel, so every cheap shot ever dreamed up was hidden somewhere in the T shell, I mean this was a Darrin ?chief? Elliot?s wet dream. (Clay wanted me to note here that the T argument was not hidden because he did not want people to think that Oz?s only win ever against Malgor was an illegitimate win.) (I wanted to note here that Clay is kind of jack ass, believes he is always right and rarely is.)  Anyway I mention Easley was on the panel because she voted for Malgor like it was her job or as if they were in a relationship, wait were they??  Moving on, the round had this sweet (sweet as in I have no clue what it was) Topicality argument in it, some framework args, some case cards that made no sense, and K/cp that Ermo dreamed up (and only Ermo understood).  As any half brained monkey could decipher the strategy was to go for T, regardless of what Ermo was telling Kearney about the intrinsic criticism of Malgor?s aff.  Well it got ugly fast, the cx of the 1nc was fall apart city for Oz who directed all questions to Kearney, and Kearney who could not even create a reason to why the k/cp ?mumbo jumbo? was competitive.  It was at this time Oz began to wonder if anyone on the coaching staff understood what competition was (while you might think Ermo debated pre-perm, photographic evidence of his curly mullet suggests otherwise) (10).  Anyway, it is a 2-1 for neg, not sure how, but I know that Easley voted neg, so her and Malgor must have been in a couples squabble (11).  Malgor, so afraid to lose to KO again, no shows the CEDA 4-0 4-0 debate, and withdraws from the tournament complaining that his man organ is in pain.  I have no clue what that means or how it happened (I was going to make an inappropriate joke here, but held back). Fuck it, I was going to make a joke about Terri and Malgor?s relationship.  The fear of debating KO had a similar affect on many men, but Malgor was the only dude to need surgery to fix it. 
Courts (With and Without Kearney)
This was a tragic year. GSU only served to remind KO that they could not beat Malgor no matter whom he debated with, and they lost in the doubles to Harvard DZ on a fast (super fucking fast) 3-0 (they loved losing in doubles, they are likely a first ballot ?doubles and out? hall of fame inductee). You should know that KO was negative and now let me remind you that negatives won like 98% of the time on that topic. Sadly, Kearney couldn?t shake the education he got on the China topic. It haunted him. Eventually, after he laid a sick beating on Harvard PL on amend c/p and legitimacy d/a (sweet revenge for the years of loses KO sustained to Lux?s SUVs cases), Kearney left the debate activity. It has been a long time since I?ve heard from him, but I have very credible intelligence on this question. He quit debate to patrol the SLOCs, warding off terrorists, pirates and the Chinese. Kearney, who has always loved America more than the average bear, is currently keeping the shipping lanes safe and clear for us all. (Update: Kearney has been sighted?that all you need to know) This loss really shook Martin though. He loved debate because he loved being the ?O? in SMS KO. It was his identity (in a weird ?you complete me? sort of way). He could barely stand the idea of debating with someone else. To be honest, I could barely fathom it. Worse, Martin had only done the 2N twice in his life and both times he was HORRIBLE. While everyone knew the courts topic was terribly neg bias, those who knew Martin best (Will Jensen, his high school partner, and I think Ami Hamraie?could be wrong on that one) flipped Aff against him. Here is a story to illustrate how bad it was:

Martin was debating Fullerton at the coast in his first trip as the 2N. Fullerton was really destroying him and, somewhere in the middle of the 2NR, he began to realize that he was hopelessly behind. He had no idea what was going on, how to control or manage the debate in this position, what was up, what was down; really all he knew was that he was getting beaten and it was not close. The feelings of helplessness and confusion that followed sent Martin spiraling into a rage. He began to spit ridiculous and offensive things like ?If you want to debate in Spanish go start a debate league in Mexico.? I think Martin hoped that since he himself was ?textually? Mexican the judge would take it easy on him. No such luck for Martin. He would be held accountable. 

It is difficult to really put into words how much Kearney contributed to Ozzy?s debate success, but Joe Carver was kind enough to provide the representative example from Ozzy?s time coaching at Carrollton. 
?The first time Ozzie coached for Carrollton School of the Sacred Heart was the TOC 2006. He showed up at the hotel with his girlfriend in tow and insisted we feed him. We got him pizza and did not see him again for three days. Thank god Kearney was there. We decided immediately that we would hire Kearney and disown Oz. When Kearney disappeared Ozzie became the default option.? 
Indeed, for many Martin represents the ?you?ll do? reaction in the face of the devastating loss of Michael Wayne Kearney. 

The end of Kearney and the new beginning of Martin as the 2nc ushered a new era in negative strategy for Missouri State that in involved every 1nc having at least 4 minutes of case debate, and by case debate I mean the entirely impact defensive style.  Martin would not allow for a single case argument to be in the 1nc if the evidence had the slightest hint of an argument that could be construed as an offensive argument.  The new era also brought in the 1 cp, 1 da, 1 T, and 1 dumb procedural 1nc.  Many were taken back by this approach, but Louie could not comprehend why a 1nc would be so transparent.  Although Louie would eventually come around to this debate style it was not without many conversations between Martin and Louie.  Here is one that might offer some context:
MO: Louie is the 1nc almost complete, we need Blake (Moore) to take a look so we can make sure he can read.
LP: Yeah I think I about got everything all together but as luck has it I think we will be able to read two disads in this debate.
MO: What? Louie I told you what to do, now stop fucking around and just get it done.
LP:  Dude, the second disad will not eat much time, we can still get in 5 minutes of case defense.
MO: Is it a net benefit for the cp?
LP: Of course it is.
MO:  Then we cannot read it.  It will mess up the debate.  The aff might link turn or something.
LP: No you d-bag it is a net-benefit as in disad to the plan the cp does not link too
MO: Listen, we can only read things that link to the cp, so shut the fuck up till you understand debate.
LP: but it is a net-benefit?.
MO: Louie shut up and give me that 1nc, with 1 disadvantage only.

Needless to say the second disad gets into the 1nc (Louie is a very persuasive coach and obviously dumb), and Martin and Blake lose because the second disad is link turned?.  The only job Blake ?dead weight? Moore  had in the debate round, other than reading the 1nc, was to kick out of the second disad.  He attempted to complete his job by answering the link turn debate in the 1nr by extending the UQ args the aff made?  Post the now devastating 1ar here is the conversation between Martin and Blake during the 2nr prep:
MO: WTF Blake I thought you kicked out of this disad? Is he link turning it?
BM: Impossible! I did kick out of the disad?
MO: What adid you extend to get out of the disad?
BM: I extended withdraw is inevitable? because democrats will make us..
MO: that is our uniqueness arg? that Bush must be strong to prevent democratic calls for withdraw
BM: oh that makes sense
MO: (shouting out loud) Fuck you Louie
Yeah that shit really happened.  I guess Martin can see the future, would not be the first Missouri State debater with that mad skill. (13)

Even though Kearney was long gone and Martin was enjoying some success debating with Blake ?dead weight? Moore the same teams kept owning Martin, hello Wake CC, and the same people kept owning him as well, hello Ryan Burke (even though he was not debating anymore he still managed to fuck (Martin) up as a judge).  Although some things changed, like Oz finally beat an Emory team, thanks Emory MP for being easiest 8-0 top seed in the history of Northwestern tournament.  It was a pretty quick 3-0 and Martin having too much pride did not even go for the procedural they answered the wrong way in both the 2ac and 1ar (All judges, including Repko, said the decision could have been made in minutes if Martin goes for the procedural).  But what remained the same was Martin?s inability to getting back with people about cite request.  Now that he was both 2?s there was even more cite request.  Although I am not quite sure why there was an increase in cite request because nothing changed, I mean it was the courts topic, once December arrived it was researched.  So the neg strat remained the same, ?amend to win?.  To give you an example of a cite request and how Martin would respond we thought we would use the famous Ross Ricendorferrrrrrrerr email exchange:
RR: Oz, what do you all say to Casey affs? Any cites I should have? Thanks buddy.
MO: Casey affs? we amend the fucking constitution and read the fucking legitimacy disad. 
RR: do you have cites for that?
MO: I hate casey affs. BTW, war hurts women game over.
When we asked Ross Ricendorferrrrrrrerr what he remembered of the email exchanged and if he could add in anything else funny about the cite request, he simply replied: 
RR: and I sent him this email again a month or so ago when I found it and he said: lol yeah I'm awesome ain't I.
The end of the road?Never the bride
 Sometimes, if you are really lucky and debate in the post-Malcom Gordon (rule) world, you get two senior years. Georgia CR did (more on that later). Bricker is about to. Martin did as well. This year was characterized by a series of 2nd place speaker awards. Martin did get 1st speaker at Kentucky, but not because he was good, just cause he had an axe to grind with the Kentucky people. You see, SMS KO didn?t get invited to the KY RR the year before, felt jilted, and went 8-0 (quarters finish, a real blight on their ?doubles and out? hall of fame resume). Again Martin didn?t get invited, so he won top speaker (again a quarters finish). I think the NDT vindicated Kentucky on this one though. Other than this revenge tournament, I don?t think Martin placed higher than 2nd speaker at anything but a few regional tournaments. He did compile an impressive list of statistics comparing his speaker points to Clay?s (14).   Before we go any further into Martin?s final year in debate as a competitor it should be noted that Martin did not lose Malgor in his final year (thank god malgor graduated).  Wait, Malgor voted against Oz 2 of the 3 times he judged him.  Fucking Malgor!

At GSU, OW?s season got off to a great start with the first round draw of Emory HW, a team that featured a returning NDT champ and some kid who has been coached by Emory coaches since he was 5.  Emory HW had a quality season if you think that 2nd in the Copeland Race and top seed at the NDT is worthy of the quality label.  So Emory HW had no problem beating OW at GSU, just as Julie had no problem beating Martin her entire career.  Losing to Emory round one was only fitting because Emory would defeat OW two others time at the tournament.  Emory MS sent OW to the rail in doubles and Emory MT dropped a loss on OW round 5.  The round 5 loss still sits badly with Martin to this day, not just because Ermo talked about it in a speech he delivered at the awards assembly at CEDA (15), but due to the magnitude of the loss.  It was 1 of only 2 non-bid losses OW suffered the entire season.  The other non-bid loss happened two rounds later to Michigan PZ, a round in which Martin double turned himself but went for both args anyway under the logic the 1ar did not point it out so fuck it the 2ar will not find it.  However, the 2ar discovered the error in the 2nr logic. Fancy that. 

Clay Webb- Along for the Ride
We were going to write a section here about why Clay was the luckiest man ever, but then we found out he once dated Sheena Walters.  Nothing against Clay or Sheena, but why date?  Clay should of talked with Powers or M. Jones on the same night.

The NDT: He will read DEFENSE till the END
Martin was really bad at the NDT. His frosh year he started out 0-6 with ZERO ballots. In his 7th round he and Kearney lost on a 2-1 and, in post round conversation, the judge that voted for them admitted he made a bad decision and asked them if they would mind if he changed his ballot. Martin flew off the handle, something like ?fuck you, you voted for us, you can?t take it back, I know where you live, I?ll find your family?? They kept the ballot. It is impossible to put into words how much Martin hated losing. He truly hated it more than he loved winning. I can?t imagine a time when Martin felt lower in debate than at the exact moment the judge asked if he could change the ballot. Martin would go on to beat Connor Cleary in round 8 on a 3-0, making him 1-7 and Connor 0-8 with zero ballots. 

KO the sophomores went 3-5. The most interesting thing about this was when, in round one, Arizona State read consult Brazil on them. KO read a da or two to the c/p, maybe impact turned the net benefit. No theory though. ASU must have read 8 add on advantages. This from Brandy Johnson-Faith: ?Consult Brazil was our big strat and they knew that was what we were going to run? and ?that is all we read in the 1NC with a ridiculous number of add-ons. ?I just kept on having to hand John more and more add-ons throughout the 1NC -- ones that I had randomly cut when I was cutting the CP but had never ever read. Colombian guerilla warfare, Venezuelan drug trade, AIDS in rural villages in Brazil? Oops, so much for the impact turn. Always read theory on a counter plan kids. Also this year, Kearney wrote a CP text wrong. Instead of reducing fossil fuel emissions by millions of tons, Kearney wrote trillions. I think that would crash the economy ?send us back to the stone ages. Always double check the counterplan text. 

KO as juniors went 3-5. They should have gone 4-4 though. Georgia CR got one of those round 8 2-1 decisions on ?these dudes are seniors and really shouldn?t go 3-5 at the NDT.? Ozzy was ok with this till Georgia CR decided to give that senior year a second ?Malcom Gordon? try. For amusing detail see: http://www.ndtceda.com/pipermail/edebate/2007-May/070924.html 

Ozzy senior year try the first. Kearney quit, no NDT

Ozzy senior year try the second, ?Malcom Gordon rule? senior year. Ozzy was top speaker and made it to semis where he got blasted by a new Wake aff that he had nothing to say too. When we say he had nothing to say, we are talking about some offense.  The debate had much defense, as Oz would demand clay to the entire terrorism defense file.  (Louie cut the file so all are certain that 1 out of every 5 cards were worth reading)  He didn?t mind though. He told me that night that it was nice knowing it would be a fast 5-0 and he could just sit back and revel in the semis of the NDT. ?Better to know you don?t have a chance than to lose a nail-biter? he said. 

Lessons from Martin
When the DCAs first started, before they were profane and offensive, I read the bios for a good laugh and accidently learned stuff about debate. I felt that Ace Garen?s bio of Alex Berger was always exemplary of this. I can?t promise a good laugh and I don?t know enough about debate to teach you anything, but there are some lessons to be learned from Ozzy?s debate career. I have worked at many debate camps with Martin many times and he always gives the kids some variety of the same pep talk. Here is his formula: ?1. you are terrible at debate [he really belabors this point, lots of examples and emphasis] 2. everyone here is just as terrible, it is actually very difficult for me to tell the difference between the best and worst of all the garbage at this camp 3. this is true of debate in general, in fact very few people do it right?almost everyone is terrible 4. at the end of the day any miniscule difference between you and the other terrible people you will debate against will be made up 10 times over by hard work 5. that is what I love about debate, any poor kid can beat the shit out of any rich kid because all that matters is hard work.? (Martin once gave this speech to a bunch of rich kids and, despite the implications, they started cheering and yelling?I guess, no matter how rich you are, there are always richer kids to hate). Martin exemplified this philosophy. If you want to know how to debate like him I have one bit of advice; set up camp square in the middle of the topic and learn as much about it as a human can possibly learn about a single issue over the course of a year. Work for hours and never stop. ?Life is a game of inches. So is [Debate]. In either game the margin of error is small. One half a step too late or too early and you don?t quite make it. But the inches we need are everywhere around us. In every minute of our lives. We have to go for every inch. Because we know that when we add up those inches, that will make the fuckin? difference between winning and losing. And I know that if I?m gonna have any life anymore, it?s because I?m still willing to go for that inch. And that?s what living is. The six inches in front of your face. Now what are you gonna do??

Myths about Martin
Anyone that knows Martin will tell you he is a really genuinely nice guy (16). Just ask Shit-bag Molly, Lazy, #3, Beatlejuice, dummy, or Kai the Novice.  He is one of our closest friends and no amount of nice things we could say about him would do justice to the sense of pride felt when he fought his way to the Semis of both national tournaments. The community reaction to his speaker awards and his final debate are a louder testament to what a truly unique, respected, and universally loved competitor he was than anything you?ll read in an e-mail. Every year someone wins top speaker at the NDT but rarely is that person respected and admired by his opponents, his judges, his coaches, his camp labies, that young team that didn?t clear but hit him in round 1, those folks that bumped into him in an elevator, anyone from the state of Wyoming not named Cheney, the staff at the tournament hotel, the homeless guy on the street making fun of his outfit, etc etc etc. People get the impression from Martin that he actually likes them and respects them regardless of who they are or how good they are at debate. They are right too; I?ve never met someone so willing to be mean to everyone while simultaneously liking and respecting them all. Martin is a ?once in an era? kind of guy. That?s why, at the end of the day, even the ?shit bag Mollys? of the world will look back fondly on their interactions with him. You had a great career Martin, it was a pleasure being part of it. 

(1) Bastyr University is the real accredited place that Amelia is learning stuff from. 
(2) This was originally authored by Martin for the MoState debate electronic brochure. 
(3) This e-mail is made up. Anything you send here has about as much chance of being read and responded to as a cite request.
(4) This is lie, Ben only likes Shaq?s porno. [editors note: we made the class upon request, kids these days listen to total shit, Sheena heard Kashmir on the radio and thought it was P Diddy. Also, I love all Suns porno that doesn?t involve the brief Sam Cassel stint?that shit gives me nightmares]. 
(5) He was right, I do make fun of him. Now I hope you will too.
(6) Dylan was proofreading this joke and stopped mid stream to say, ?That?s actually not true, I don?t believe it is 300%.? No lie, the dude is uptight. He also talks non stop about how good he was in high school and how much better he is going to be than Cormack.
(7) Martin always points out that he didn?t lose a single debate the entire first semester of his senior year. This seems worthy of note, I am unaware of similar streaks. Still, I don?t want to compliment him too much (especially since he was double 1s?Clay feels me here) so I leave this detail to the footnotes.
(8) If you don?t get this inside joke it is because you?ve never run a K aff against an Ermo strat. Keep ?em coming Ermo, the community will get behind you someday. 
 (9)He has since apologized for his insensitive behavior and formally distanced himself from Farrakhan and Rev. Wright.  
(10) Get it, it?s a perm joke about hair. Like, curly hair. That shit is funny. The real mullet wasn?t permed but it did have blond streaks. Ozzy has a picture somewhere. It was a totally boss haircut. 
(11)To my knowledge Terri and Malgor never had relations WHILE Malgor was debating.
(12) Martin has lamented this round. He says he really likes Louis and feels bad that he went of the handle. You have to understand this about him though, he truly believes that you should be able to laugh about everything. Life is hard on everyone. He certainly hasn?t had it easy. He just believes a good sense of humor is the way to deal with it. Plus, a debate league in Mexico would really do a lot of good, right?
(13) Martin cannot really see the future and to the best of my (Louie) knowledge nobody else at Missouri State can. [editor?s note: I, Ben, fully believe Mapes can and removed my only psychic joke from the bio upon first edit. Louie just couldn?t resist]
(14) Just 2 examples: ?I out spoke you by more than you out spoke the worst debater at the tournament; my average speaker award is lower than your average in round rank.?
(15) If you were at CEDA and heard this story but had no fucking idea what Ermo was talking about, here it is: The loss to Rob Mills.  Martin thought he was ahead in the debate and was not sure what was taking the judge so long to figure out the debate.  Martin was confident in the debate because in the 2ac he read two add-ons that the neg never answered, so with two conceded nuke war impacts and a disad without a impact scenario that went nuclear, he felt the round was ?in the bag.? In comes the decision, ?I vote neg???!  It was a first year judge so Martin sat patiently as the decision was explained.  Once the judged finished with the decision, Martin says ?I have but just one question, how do evaluate the add-ons??  The judge looks at the flows and then looks up and says, ?I might have made a mistake.?  Martin simply looked at the judge, smiled and said, ?okay then, thanks for judging.?  Clay attempted ramble some words, incoherent I am sure, and Martin told him it was cool and then needed to leave.  So that is the Rob Mills story Ermo managed to babble about at the CEDA awards assembly.
(16) Here are two examples of how nice a guy Martin is:
Lindsey Lathrop short stories (aka things Martin to make her sad):
?Hey, did you know you are legally a midget? No, really, here is the link to the midget site, it says 4?10? is the cutoff, you?re 4?10? right??
?Do you have to use a ladder to climb into bed or do you have a real short bed and just use a small ladder??
?Do you sleep in a racecar bed??
?Here little girl, have a lollypop.? 
The Teri-toe incident:
MO: ?Hey Teri, why do you paint that little, mutant toe??
TE: ?I want it to be like the rest.?
MO: ?But it?s not like the rest, it?s fucked up.? 

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